


to put the heart to sleep

by shineebigbang



Category: SHINee
Genre: Friendship, Science Fiction, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-26
Updated: 2017-08-26
Packaged: 2018-12-20 05:54:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11914596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shineebigbang/pseuds/shineebigbang





	to put the heart to sleep

spirit of my silence I can hear you,  
but I'm afraid to be near you.  
and I don't know where to begin  
and I don't know where to begin.

  
**part 1. jonghyun**

 ****▶

Jonghyun’s life had become a repetitive book. The same old story. Over and over again.

He tried to find excitement in any simple chore he did.

He stares at the knife go into the mayonnaise jar—then out—spreading over the bread. Repeat. His arms are crossed as he lies back on the wall. He likes doing this sometimes, with his eyes closed, just for fun. He closes them and opens the fridge’s door, takes the ham and cheese out. He places them carefully on the counter, seeing it all blurry in his head. He unwraps a slice of cheese, places it, and does the same with the ham, and then hears something crash on the floor.

He opens his eyes and sees the mayonnaise all over the floor, splashed over the bottom cabinets.

“Shit,” he whispers to himself, and then there's napkins wiping over the spot, one cleaning after the other, while Jonghyun simply stands still. A mop arrives for the final wipe.

He flops himself on the couch as his sandwich levitates behind him, and then lands silently on his lap. He watches TV shows, movies, and gets wrapped up in the little stories, his head filled with so much _information_ , colors, so many facts and images, making him forget his sandwich. He turns it off 2 hours later, feeling worn out. He looks down and doesn’t feel like eating anymore.

He sighs, walks to the bedroom, and then crawls under the covers as the sandwich sits cold in the fridge.

His phone rings, and if he is honest, he doesn’t want to pick up.

Jonghyun’s life had become a repetitive book. The same old story. Over and over again.

The phone rings again. Jonghyun doesn’t pick up. He glances over to the clock and it’s 10 p.m., wonders who could be calling.

When he comes up with the possible callers, he is left with less energy to pick up the phone.

The phone rings again. Jonghyun falls asleep.

 

 

 

 

⟲

Jonghyun would’ve never thought things would blow out of proportion from the way they started.

It starts in an abandoned bus stop.

The barely-there road lets him know he’s probably in the middle of nowhere, and after a bus ride from his house to the country, and a walk to the bus stop while the sun blazed, Jonghyun was tired. And sweaty.

He slouches on the metallic bench and closes his eyes, feeling the sweat sticking to his white shirt. He looks down, and it might be the heat or the fact that he’s been up since 7 a.m., but he dozes off, and the next thing he knows is someone's poking his shoulder.

He jerks awake, scared he might have lost the bus or that a stranger was trying to rob him, but he is met with the most innocent sight of his life. Dark brown eyes, brown hair falling across his forehead, thick lips.

“E—excuse me,” stammers the boy with pretty lips, “is this the stop for the bus 52?”

Jonghyun stares at the boy for a couple of seconds, letting the hustle of the wind be the only thing he can hear.

“Yes” And that’s all he says.

“Oh, thank you” replies the boy, and then proceeds to sit on the far end of the bench.

Jonghyun figures if this boy is going the same place he is, he might as well start with one friend.

“Are you a, you know?” Jonghyun asks, crossing his legs on the bench, resting his elbows on his knees, and turning to the brown haired boy.

“A… you know?”

“Mutant?”

The boy seems to flinch at the word, looking conflicted before he answers a tiny 'yes.'

“What can you do?” Jonghyun asks, finally being able to feel identified with this boy—after so many years of feeling alienated—putting him in a far better mood.

“I’d rather not talk about it.”

“Oh, _come on_ ” Jonghyun whines, “tell me and I’ll tell you.”

The boy next to him hesitates and looks around the deserted land, as if looking for someone around them that might be listening.

“I can listen to what people think.”

“Really? That’s so cool!” Jonghyun replies, suddenly way more interested in the random boy next to him, “try me!”

The boy’s stares at Jonghyun face for a couple of seconds, and then a funny smile spreads on his face, “you’re thinking about puppies.”

“Yes!” Jonghyun laughs, finding it so funny and special that there’s more people like him. “When did you find out?”

“I was 17 at the time,” the boy says looking down at the far end of the road, his eyes squinted as the glare of the sun hit his face.

“I’m a telekinetic. My parents also are. Apparently I come from a family of people that can move stuff with their heads.” Jonghyun replies with a smile, “how old are you now?”

“I’m 19,” the boy laughs, looking down at the ground.

“Are your parents mind readers?” Jonghyun asks.

The older merely keeps his eyes down, smile dropping off his face.

“My dad was a mind reader,” he mutters.

Jonghyun nods, sensing the boy’s sudden shift in mood, and opts for staying quiet and not proving anymore. Jonghyun panics there—what if he is hearing him right now?

“Are you looking into my head right now?” Jonghyun asks.

The boy laughs, and it’s warm and Jonghyun smiles too, thinking he has a nice laughter, and smile.

“I try not to read people’s minds when I’m talking to them. You know, to be polite.”

“That’s boring.”

“That’s the right thing to do.”

“I’m Jonghyun,” he smiles.

“Jinki.”

Jonghyun’s is sweating, his shirt is sticking to his skin, and the sun is hot all around them. He is still nervous for the new school, he misses his parents. He is scared of not being the prodigy his father was. Jonghyun’s shaking despite the heat, but he finds peace for a moment while he talks with Jinki.

 

 

 

 

▶

The door knocks and Jonghyun ignores it while eating the sandwich he abandoned yesterday on the fridge. He takes the crusts off and eats slowly as the door keeps banging and someone yells from outside.

“I’ve been calling you! Open up!”

Jonghyun stands up from the kitchen table to grab a juice-box from his fridge, then sits again, sipping from the little straw of the carton bottle.

“I can hear you, Jonghyun. Your heads so loud right now, just open the door. Talk to me.”

_Fuck off._

__“Nice Jonghyun, that’s very nice. Open the door and we’ll talk.”

Jonghyun finishes his sandwich and the dish moves by itself to the sink, full of other dirty dishes that Jonghyun has been putting off for days. He finishes his juice pack and drops it on the trash can—also full—and lies down on the couch.

“Jonghyun,” the person outside mutters, “please open the door.”

He lies on the couch a couple of minutes more, covers his head with a pillow. The lock on the door clicks.

The door opens and Jonghyun is doing this more for old friends sake than his own will.

“This place smells like mayonnaise”

“Life is hard, Jinki”

“I bet it is, doing absolutely nothing every day. You must be so tired”

Jonghyun feels his annoyance rising up, feels himself lose a little balance. But he’s more experienced now, it’d be childish to not control it with Jinki here.

“I came to talk to you.”

“We both know it’s not important. We both know what it is. We both know I’m gonna say no. Can you leave now?” Jonghyun replies, still pressing the pillow into his face.

Jonghyun feels a puncture in the front of his head, and that is it.

“Get the fuck out of my house,” Jonghyun says, throwing the pillow and standing up to grab Jinki, “get out.”

“Jonghyun, stop,” Jinki replies, trying to get himself off Jonghyun’s hold as the latter drags him to the door. He shakes his arm and gets Jonghyun off, walking back into the living room.

“Get out Jinki, do I have to say it again? I don’t want to talk to you, and I don’t want you in my head, get out!”

“Jonghyun, let me speak.”

“Whatever it is that you have to say, I don’t care. I don’t care, I don’t care!”

Jonghyun’s shaking his head and is so wrapped up in feeling anger that he doesn’t feel the piercing sensation passing through his forehead.

Suddenly, Jonghyun is completely still, walking softly towards the couch.

Jonghyun realizes what happened once he is sitting, Jinki moving one of the chairs from his dinning room to sit in front of him. Jonghyun is seconds away from screaming out of frustration.

“I can’t believe you did this.”

“I’m sorry, but we need to talk.”

Jonghyun’s eyes get teary, and he wishes the person in front of him wasn’t wearing such stylish clothes, or specks, and that the engagement ring on his finger disappeared. He wishes people didn’t change, so he could have the same Jinki he knew from years back, with his clumsy walk and casual clothes.

“Just speak and get out of here,” Jonghyun spits out, still holding back tears, immobile due to Jinki.

“He is about to wake up,” Jinki mutters, “and we need you. We could make anyone talk to him, but it wouldn’t work. You’re the only person that we know of that can talk to him and—“

“I seriously doubt you came here to ask me this. I doubt it because you know I’m through—“

“Jonghyun—“

“—with whatever it is that involves him. Jinki, just get out,” Jonghyun whines, defeated and tired.

“Jonghyun,” Jinki leans forward, grabbing Jonghyun’s neck between his palms, “I would not be here if you weren’t important for this. I need you.”

“You don’t need me, you need Kibum. And I don’t even know why you’re asking me this when you know he doesn’t care about me either”

“Jonghyun, you’re wrong”

“He left me to die”

Jinki looks down to the floor, releasing Jonghyun, and the younger falls back against the couch, eyes half-lidded. Jinki always gives Jonghyun this specific _aura_ when Jonghyun talks about the day he was captured.

“I missed you,” he murmurs as his brain tries to recover from the damage. Jinki glances back at Jonghyun and slouches a little, rubbing in-between his eyebrows, and Jonghyun thinks _great, one layer less._

“I’ve missed you too,” Jinki says taking off his glasses and dropping himself on the couch right next to Jonghyun.

The silence stretches as Jonghyun tries to get his brain back and Jinki just stares at the ceiling, listening to Jonghyun’s breathing.

“I’m serious, why does this place smell like mayonnaise?” he asks, glancing at Jonghyun.

He laughs, placing his hand on Jinki’s thigh and squeezing, “shut up.”

Jinki laughs with him too, and the sound is so familiar Jonghyun wishes he could go back in time and land right when him and Jinki we’re roommates. Because he doesn’t want to do this. But he stands up, packs up a bag with a couple of clothes, his toothbrush.

“Life is hard,” Jonghyun says as Jinki stares at him firmly.

“You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to,” Jinki says.

“That’s a lie,” Jonghyun smiles.

He follows Jinki outside and into the man’s BMW.

“Wish I had a rich boyfriend too,” Jonghyun says as he motion’s for the passengers door.

“Shut up,” Jinki laughs, turning on the engine.

Jonghyun doesn’t have to ask to know this would be a long ride.

-

Jonghyun stares at the plain room that looks abandoned now.

There are some old photographs from when he lived here, when this place was still his school. Jinki is standing next to him, not looking inside the room, only looking at him.

“We need to go,” Jinki murmurs, as Jonghyun only stares, completely lost in his own mind. “What are you thinking about?”

“Can’t you read my mind?”

“I know better,” Jinki laughs.

“I’m thinking of the old days,” Jonghyun exhales, “what I did wrong.”

“We both know it wasn’t our fault,” Jinki replies.

“Are you blaming Kibum?”

“Not really," he shurgs, "it wasn’t anyone’s fault. The place got bankrupt,” Jinki stops looking at Jonghyun, looks down at the ground. “Let’s go, this place freaks me out.”

Jonghyun smiles bitterly, looking at the rotten beds lying on opposite sides of the room. He recalls sliding them together, and sliding under these sheets right next to Jinki. The memories were warm.

“We had sex on that bed once—“

“ _Jonghyun,_ ” Jinki shrieks, turning to him with an alarmed look, “let’s go.”

Jonghyun follows Jinki, whilst laughing, through a million hallways that he never knew existed. Then follows him into an elevator with a passcode and stands next to Jinki in silence as they go down, floor 12, 13, 14, 15.

The doors slide open and white walls spread before him. As they walk in, Jonghyun’s hands start getting sweaty, and he feels uneasy as Jinki steps forward and guides him into a hallway. But Jonghyun is older now and he can control it. Nothing levitates around him without his permission anymore.

They reach an electric door, and Jinki slides his employee ID through the device next to it.

The door slides open.

Jonghyun closes his eyes.

 

 

 

 

⟲

“Are you okay?” Jonghyun asks frenetically, touching Kibum’s neck, shoulder’s, arms, looking down at his chest, assessing his body before Kibum could even reply.

They had been chased by the police for the first time, and Jonghyun’s entire body was shaking. But all he cared about was Kibum’s well-being.

“Yes, yeah, I’m—I’m fine,” Kibum replies, heaving and nodding slowly.

“Are you sure?” Jonghyun finally looks at him, they’re eye to eye and he’s about to break into tears. Jonghyun's so scared.

Jonghyun had not taken in the gravity of the sitation until he heard the first gun shot. Right after the noise exploted around the deserted streets and reached his ears, he realized Kibum and him could die. And it scared him to death, to think of a world without Kibum.

“You—are you?”

Jonghyun doesn’t reply, and he can’t keep his face up any longer. He looks down, letting out a sigh that ends in a breathless sob, and then Jonghyun can’t stop crying. He kneels on the floor, right at Kibum’s feet. He can feel his insides clenching, as his fists press against the pavement and the holes of the concrete leave red marks across the sides of his hands, as he sobs and digs his fists harder against the ground.

Jonghyun’s a mixture of angry and sad, but the anger takes a bigger part of him, and for a moment, he can actually feel a trashcan nearby levitate— _is this even worth it?—_ and that halts his crying, as his eyes snap open, and he starts breathing slowly against the pavement.

Kibum doesn’t move down to cradle or hug him or whisper sweet words into his ear. He just stares as Jonghyun breathes, his nerves crawling off his skin.

Eventually, Jonghyun calms down and he wipes his cheeks with his shirt. He looks up, and Kibum is looking away.

“We have to go,” Kibum murmurs.

Jonghyun is still cleaning up his tears and snot, but he stands up anyway. He follows Kibum into the stolen car and sits on the driver’s seat. He takes a deep breath.

“Where are we going?” Jonghyun asks, voice rough.

“There’s a motel a couple of blocks away, we could spend the night there and leave early,” Kibum says, and Jonghyun can feel his eyes on him, even when Jonghyun is only looking straight forward.

He’s tired, he wants to sleep.

“Is it okay?” Kibum finishes.

“Yeah, whatever.”

Jonghyun turns on the engine and lets it warm up for a minute or two, that feel like an eternity next to Kibum. He starts driving, going slower than he would’ve on a normal day. On a normal situation.

“Are you upset?” Kibum asks, still staring at him.

Jonghyun is a very responsible driver, and in all honesty a little upset, so he doesn’t turn to Kibum until they stop in a red light amidst traffic.

“No.”

“I’m a more developed empath than—“

“Yes. Yes, I am. I’m upset, and we’re on a fucking car heading to god fucking knows where and this—this is—“ he looks down. He breathes. He composes himself.

He hears a horn go off—the car behind him. He looks up and the light is green.

He can feel Kibum’s messy thoughts next to him, but tries to push them away. He focuses on the engine of the car, in looking for the motel across the street.

Jonghyun might be in love Kibum, but he didn’t know it would hurt like this.

 

 

 

 

▶

Jonghyun stares as he walks by the lab, feeling extremely out of place.

When the school building transferred to another out-of-town complex, the place was left for the neurological research team to take over the lowest floors under the building and turn it into their laboratory. This had been due to bankruptcy after Sungjae’s parents had sue the school. After his death, many things.

Jinki told Jonghyun through a phone call years ago that he found it ironic the best mutant practice of the state was once his school.

Jonghyun tries not to stare as Jinki directs him to his office, and really, the whole place is white and the walls are _glass_ and Jonghyun could not feel more exposed even inside Jinki's small office.

He realizes he’s not able to recognize any of the people that work with Jinki. There is a girl with blue hair, a boy with short hair and a cat-like mouth, and more individuals who look unfamiliar to him. They happen, as well, to be looking at Jonghyun like they want him gone.

"Everyone's staring at me like I'm the devil," Jonghyun mutters as he drops himself in front of Jinki’s desk.

"As far as police records go, you kind of are," Jinki replies, opening his laptop and typing away.

"I don't know any of them," he says, looking back and seeing everyone drift their eyes away from him. He turns his attention to one of Jinki’s pens, as it levitates from the table, "is Minho here?"

"Yeah, he is. I'm actually telling him to come down and say hi."

"Does he still hate me?" Jonghyun replies, as the pen starts moving in circles in the air. He doesn’t need to focus too much, or inmerse too much energy for things to move anymore. It’s one of the lessons he’s learned best.

Jinki laughs, closing his laptop, placing his arms on the desk, his hands laced. He is listening. "He has never hated you."

"What of when I was a fugitive?"

Jonghyun lays the pen gently on the desk.

"Perhaps," Jinki smiles, looking down at his hands, "he might have slightly disfavored you, but I wouldn't say straight-out hate."

Jonghyun leans back on his chair, his mind flying back in time. He wants to say something like 'I broke the heart of the person he loves, there's no way he doesn't hate me,' but that would sound wrong and Jonghyn doesn't want to revisit that moment of his life. It's all in the past, it's been for years. And Jonghyun has stopped caring what people think about him.

The general public knows him as the accomplice of a murder. He didn't really want to live like that.

"The ring on your finger," Jonghyun mutters. Jinki's face snaps up, and then glances down at the ring.

Before he gets to reply, Minho steps in, white robe and big glasses rested low on his nose, and Jonghyun does see the appeal, sees why Jinki couldn't help but fall in love with him back.

Not that he hadn't seen Minho before, he remembers the tall and attractive kid with the pretty smile that shared chemistry classes with Jinki ages ago. He remembers the way he would stare at Jinki, as if there was nothing as beautiful in this world.

And Minho was right, Jinki was pure and handsome and had a nice heart that Jonghyun couldn't help but break. Minho deserved Jinki. Jinki deserved Minho.

"Jonghyun!" Minho smiles, genuine and warm as many years ago.

Jonghyun stands up and gives Minho a quick hug, an easy smile slipping into his face at the sight of of an old friend.

And for the first time in a while, as he stands closer to Kibum than he has been in years, with his ex-boyfriend and his fiancée in the same room as him, Jonghyun feels an ounce of hope.

Minho chats idly with him, asking about the drive here, about how Jonghyun’s feeling. He answers everthing absent mindedly, and then when Minho steps out of the office, Jonghyun glances down at Jinki’s engagement ring again.

“How did that happen?” he asks, a small smile on his face.

“Oh, this is recent,” Jinki chuckles nervously, “you know, we’ve been together for so long, so a few weeks ago we went out for dinner, and—well. It was a really beautiful night.” Jinki finishes with a smile.

“I am happy for you,” Jonghyun smiles back. “Do you have a date set yet?”

“Well, with all this Kibum business we’ve barely discussed the time, but I am sure it’s around a year away. When this passes I'll start planning everything. But there’s a long way to go.”

“So there’s still some time left,” Jonghyun smiles.

Jinki simply laughs, opening his laptop and typing in his password.

“I would say so.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

⟲

Jonghyun walks into the library on a Sunday afternoon, and he is falling asleep on his own feet. He barely got any sleep last night since he had been ignoring the piles of homework that awaited him for video games, and that anxious feeling of having _so much_ to do but _no time_ to do it left him with a dread so big he could barely close his eyes after he was done.

He stumbles on a table and puts his head over his crossed arms, trying to adjusts his limbs until they felt like a pillow. He dozes off for a couple of seconds, but then books are being dumped on the table, waking him up.

Jonghyun looks up, and he adjusts quickly, trying to look less overworked. He senses _it_.

“Tired?”

“Yeah,” Jonghyun laughs stupidly and nervous, “normal sleeping patterns aren’t really my forte.”

“You should try drinking chamomile tea,” the boy suggests, and just the mere fact that he is talking to Jonghyun has him awake completely in less than a second, “it helps with sleeping.”

“I’ll try that today,” Jonghyun smiles, over enthusiastic. “My name’s Jonghyun.”

“I’m Kibum,” the boy smiles softly.

“When did you find out you were, you know?” Jonghyun asks, leaning closer on the table.

Kibum leans over as well, leaning his chin naturally on his hand. He laughs after looking back, probably knowing Jonghyun was telekinetic too.

"I usually tell that story on the second date."

"Guess you'll have to make an exception," Jonghyun smiles, and the other boy laughs.

"I was 6. My parents were both telekinetic too, so they knew how to train me and help me manage my feelings since I was young. I was very temperamental, and I’m sure you know how emotions control your energy,” Kibum speaks as Jonghyun only nods with a smile, “so rooms would levitate and stuff. My parents would freak out, so they made sure it didn’t happen that often.”

“Rooms levitated with me too!” Jonghyun laughs, “6 years old is really young though.”

“I know,” Kibum looks down, back to his book, “I didn’t love it. But my parents were great, and now I’m here. Getting the supposedly great education I need.”

Jonghyun laughs, and everything he is doing right now feels kind of stupid. Like his laughter is too silly and his body movements too calculated. Weird.

“And you?” Kibum asks.

“I was 15, and it was over something stupid. My sister had her birthday party and she promised she would save me cake, but she didn’t. So that was one disappointment but it was okay,” Kibum laughs, but Jonghyun keeps going, “then my mom told me my fish had died, Wheesung. I was so sad,” Jonghyun laughs, “my entire world fell. Wheesung had been my friend for so long, so I went up to my room, sat on my bed. I cried—only a little—and I guess what I was feeling triggered it. A couple of seconds later my bed was on the air, and when my parents walked into my room they were so happy and I was so confused, and levitating on a bed without knowing how to get down.”

“Your fish was named Wheesung?” Kibum replies, still laughing at Jonghyun’s story

“Don’t laugh! He is a great singer, and my fish was a great fish. It was only right.”

“So the shocking death of Wheesung triggered your telekinesis?” Kibum asks, his cheek now against the back of his hand, looking adorable. Very adorable.

“Yeah. I know, it’s a very tragic story. But thanks to that I got my telekinesis. My mom is better than my dad in terms of skill, so she taught me a bit, yet she never really trained me. I kind of managed my skills on my own.”

“You use too much energy,” Kibum comments out of the blue, face blank, “you need to work on that.”

Jonghyun stares, leaning back only a little.

“How do you know that?”

“You burst with energy after moving a pen. I saw you yesterday,” Kibum’s smile hardens, “that shouldn’t happen.”

Jonghyun nods absent-mindedly, looking back down to his book.

“I don’t know how to do that.”

Jonghyun’s eyes are on the books spread around the table, so he doesn’t see Kibum’s smile.

“I can help you.”

-

Jonghyun stirs in his sleep, body waking up slowly. He feels his shoulders ache, as he slowly brings himself to sit up on the bed. He glances at Kibum's bed, noticing the boy was still asleep.

The red clock of the hotel marks 6:19 AM. Jonghyun's back hurts too much, and somehow his stomach growls of hunger, so he decides to get them breakfast.

He doesn't want to risk leaving Kibum, or getting caught, so he decides to get them a few snacks from the vending machine. He gets them cookies, two sandwiches, and water, so they can share. He gets back into the room, and Kibum seems to be still asleep.

His mind goes to last night, panicking over Kibum, getting scared of dying. He had ended up shaking, barely being able to go to bed at the time they arrived at the hotel. Jonghyun spent the night pondering, what could he do to make this end. To ensure Kibum would be safe, be safe himself, to make the stress on his shoulders end.

He spends the following hour chewing on his food, thinking and thinking and thinking, until Kibum stirs on the bed, and Jonghyun glances at the clock to find all the numbers changed. 7:46 AM.

"Jonghyun, you're being loud," Kibum murmurs, voice groggy, sitting up to look at him.

The hotel room was small, and Jonghyun sat at the table sitting on the corner, as Kibum stared at him from the bed.

Jonghyun only hums as a reply, his head pounding. He stops chewing, anything he does has his head hurting, so he closes his eyes and lies his head on his arms.

He hears Kibum move to sit down in front of him, opening the cookies.

"Are you okay?" He asks in a small voice, and Kibum seems to be asking that very often nowadays.

"Yeah," Jonghyun hums more than says, not bothering to look up.

"Do you have a headache?" Kibum asks, and Jonghyun simply hums back.

He feels a press on the top of his head, and then a set of fingers pressing against the crown of his head.

He doesn’t make any sounds, only lets Kibum brush his hair, fingers scratching against his scalp and successfully helping him relax. It dulls his headache.

It was moments like this, where Jonghyun let himself receive whatever Kibum can give him. Out of necesity of feeling loved, out of the need to feel like not everything was going to shit. Like this was okay. Like Jonghyun will eventually receive something better than the love

Kibum's hand leaves his hair a few moments later, as Jonghyun hears he chews on the cookies. He stays with his dace hidden, not trusting himself to lift his face in case his cheeks are red.

Once he looks up, he finds Kibum staring at him. And this could be a déjà vu, but Kibum looks tired instead of having the big and gentle smile he had years ago. Jonghyun thinks that if he could look in a mirror, intead of looking cheerful he would look just dreaded.

It's been almost 3 months since they left the school and went on their own. 3 months since Jonghyun followed Kibum and left Jinki. 3 months. Jonghyun's tired, and it's only been 3 months.

"You're being loud again," Kibum murmurs, getting another cookie from the pack.

Jonghyun doesn't reply, but neither does he try to be quiet.

His head flies back to his previous thoughts, the ones that are related to being free, to not running away, to kissing Kibum.

Jonghyun rarely got to wake up before the younger, so he rarely got to see Kibum like this, hair tousled, lips pouty, eyes swollen. He looked beautiful and Jonghyun's stomach was starting to hurt.

"I'm getting sick," Jonghyun says, letting his chin rest above his arms. Kibum simply looks at him with a questioning look. "I'm gonna puke."

He gets up, on the way to the bathroom, and hears a set of feet following behind him. When Jonghyun tries to close the door, Kibum stops him, with nervous eyes.

"I can go in with you, in case you need help."

"I don't need help to puke," Jonghyun replies, pushing gently on the door, only to have Kibum hold it back again.

"Jonghyun, I can help. You're not feeling good."

Jonghyun feels a push on the door, and he pushes back, stepping inside. Something about using his powers in the midst of the horrible headache make him halt, letting the door fall open from Kibum's push, as he drops himself to the toilet to puke.

He forgets Kibum is by the door the moment he feels the burn on his throat, and he grabs against the seat of the toilet as his stomach empties inside. After 3 contractions of his stomach, he coughs shortly, feeling a hand rubbing against his back.

This reminds him Kibum is there. He wants to push him out, get him out, _anything_ , to stop feeling the embarrassment crawling. He probably looks like shit, no sleep, his breakfast pseudo-digested over his mouth.

But he feels too much like shit to even care, his throat is burning and he wants to cry. He feels the prickle of water against the edges of his eyes, as eyes a huge piece of toilet paper next to him.

"Here, wipe your mouth," Kibum says, hand still moving on his back. "Let me get you a glass so you can rinse your mouth."

The warmth leaves Jonghyun's back, and as he cleans his chin, he lets the tears fall quickly, turning to get more paper to wipe them.

Kibum comes back with a glass which he fills on the sink, and hands it to Jonghyun.

"Can you please leave now?" Jonghyun says, getting a hold of the glass, "I want to be alone for a moment."

He doesn't see Kibum's face, but he hears a "let me know if you need anything," pounding inside his head.

The door closes, and Jonghyun rinses his mouth with a dreaded feeling of sadness. He didn't want this. Not anymore.

-

“No,” Kibum says, _again_ , and the chair Jonghyun’s levitating falls loudly against the ground, “you’re using too much energy. Don’t.”

“The whole point of you being here is to explain me how,” Jonghyun replies, hands rubbing his face.

“I can’t explain it. You have to control it. Let’s try something else.”

Kibum’s in front of him at the next second, inches apart from his face. Jonghyun freezes a little, moving his face backwards.

“Can you make us levitate?” Kibum whispers, extremely close to Jonghyun. He really isn’t thinking that much, he is mostly staring at Kibum’s face, the scar on his cheek, his small nose. He glances at his lips.

“Yeah,” he replies and then they’re both in the air. Jonghyun’s nervous but he can feel himself be relaxed as their bodies stay still a meter above the ground. Kibum’s hands are on his neck then and Jonghyun’s starting to feel really weird despite the fact that he can feel how minimum the energy he is using right now is. He thinks it may have something to do with the way Kibum closes his eyes and relaxes against him, the way his fingertips are caressing Jonghyun’s nape.

They stay like that for a couple of minutes in which Jonghyun can’t do nothing but stare at Kibum’s lips, wanting to feel them against his own.

The door of the classroom opens at that moment, and Jonghyun turns to catch Jinki’s eyes. He can feel Jinki’s stomach twist as if it were his own.

“I—I was looking for you,” Jinki stammers out, eyes on the floor.

Jonghyun sets himself and Kibum on the ground, seeing Kibum’s eyes are open now. He turns to Jinki.

“Kibum is helping me with something from our class,” he breathes out, and fuck, he sounds wrecked.

Jinki looks up between the two of them, expression fallen.

“Sure—I—I’ll just wait in our room. I—Okay,” Jinki mutters as he closes the door.

Cue silence.

“He loves you,” Kibum says, a small smile on his face.

“What?” Jonghyun replies, still out of it.

“Didn’t you feel that?” Kibum mutters, stepping closer, his hand falling over Jonghyun’s chest. Over his heart. “His heart was beating really fast, and this soft aura was oozing off him until he saw you with me.”

Jonghyun stays immobile, unsure of what to do with Kibum whispering close to him, hands on his chest.

He knew Jinki felt something for him, and also knew that his feelings towards Jinki went further from friendship. They were dating, or something like that. Jinki had not made it clear yet.

But Kibum’s hands, and Kibum’s eyes, and the way he smelled, and his—

“We should get going,” Kibum says suddenly, stepping back and picking up his bag. “You learn fast, but you should practice on your own.”

Jonghyun merely nods, moving down to pick up his things. He walks to the door with Kibum, but before the door closes, the younger stops him.

“Whatever it is you’re feeling…” Kibum says, eyes turning from the door to Jonghyun, “don’t. It’ll save you a lot of trouble.”

Jonghyun doesn't get a chance to ask what he is talking about before Kibum walks out.

 

 

 

 

▶

Jonghyun is sitting on one of the tables of the big cafeteria the underground laboratory had. He thinks it's funny, that this place is equipped with chairs, tables, and overall space for hundreds of people, and only about 10 actually work there. As Jonghyun sits, the place is deserted, him being the only person in the whole room.

He is trying to pretend nothing has happened, that his life is still normal.

He finishes his sandwich rather quick, barely drinking water to swallow it down. The lunch had been product of one of the vending machines in the cafeteria, and it was surprisingly good. He wants to stay there a few more minutes, but it would be a lie to say he isn't dying to go back upstairs and finally see Kibum.

He was alive. And apparently, healthy as well.

He picks up his trash and takes it to the nearest trash bin, which was nearly empty, and walks out of the cafeteria.

He takes the elevator, and arrives at the main office. He stares.

He can see behind the glass Luna and two nurses walking around _him_.

It's not an everyday thing to come back from the death, Kibum had been under close inspection for any type of brain damage or disfunction. He had not spoken yet, or responded to any type of stymulus, and as much as Jinki and Minho insisted him to try and talk with him, he couldn't bring himself to do it. It was too soon.

It’s only been 5 years.

He walks out of the main offices and finds a the small rooms Jinki told him he could go to whenever he felt tired or like taking a nap, as they had several around the building for whenever the employees couldn't go back home or had heavy loads of work to finish.

Jonghyun pins a code Jinki gave him, and when the doors open, there is someone else inside.

"Well, look who it is."

"Do we know each other?" Jonghyun hesitates, staring at the red haired girl sitting on the only bed of the room.

"Do we? I don't know. Maybe," she laughs, taking a few steps towards him, stretching her hand. "My name is Soojung. Nice to meet you."

Jonghyun simply stares, shaking her hand.

"I'm Jonghyun," he mutters back.

"Oh," she laughs, "I know who you are. I know how your mom liked making you soup when you were sad," she starts, with a sing-song tone, "your fish Wheesung, I know how he died, I know that your sister loves Shinhwa. I also know what you feel right now," the girl giggles, "I've learned I can't say those type of things out loud. But I know how you feel right now."

Jonghyun stares at her.

"What?"

-

Jonghyun learns through Jinki—after a near panic attack—that Soojung was omniscient. He gets a small explanation on what it means, what it implies, and how living with omniscience is like.

"Basically, she knows everything," Jinki says, eyes locked on his computer. They're sitting now on his office, and Jonghyun is slouched in front of him, having been deprived of his nap.

"So like, literally everything?"

"Yeah," Jinki mentions, closing his laptop and giving Jonghyun his full attention, "you know how we sense things. She knows them. It's very different although it might seem similar."

"That's odd," Jonghyun replies.

"It's just another mutation," Jinki gives him a small smile. “Don’t think you’re the only one who’s gotten surprised with a full life bio or a description of your favorite foods, she does it a lot,” he laughs—and then the ambiance shifts, "have you spoken with him?"

Jonghyun sighs, leaning back on his chair.

"No, you know I haven't."

"You should," Jinki replies, "I'm sure he has many things to say to you. And we want you to be the first person to speak with him."

Jonghyun simply looks down, focusing on his hands.

“You wanna throw me into the wolf’s mouth?”

Jinki chuckles.

“You threw yourself there a long time ago, my friend.”

 

 

 

 

⟲

The dark of the night could not be stronger.

Jonghyun is not going to die today.

Everything around him says otherwise, as he runs along large shipment boxes surrounding him, his breathing hard, the only sound being his footsteps. He's zooning out the gun shots, if he were to listen to them he wouldn't be able to _feel_ the peple around him, wouldn't be able to hear Kibum is still breathing.

Opposite to Jonghyun, he can sense Kibum is calm, feel his even breaths, his calm movements.

Jonghyun is not going to die today.

He knows this.

He is rounding a corner when he feels a hand on his shoulder, he knows the hand, stops breathing.

"You need to relax," Kibum whispers, lips close to Jonghyun's cheek, holding him, "We're going to be fine."

Jonghyun likes how Kibum says 'we'. He knows Kibum is intuitive enough to know Jonghyun doesn't care about his own life as much as he cares about Kibum's.

He looks up, his eyes catching Kibum's forehead, seeing a tinge of red rolling down, just a small drop.

"I'm fine," Kibum says before Jonghyun gets to say anything at all.

Jonghyun isn't fine. He is still trying to regain his breath, he is tired, he is sad. He looks down at Kibum's lips, and then down at the floor. His stomach churns.

So much for being brave.

They hear a gunshot close, which snaps them out of their comfort state, Kibum grabbing Jonghyun and dragging him away through the darkness. Jonghyun's trying to remember where their car is, how to leave. He doesn't know if they'll escape this.

He keeps running next to Kibum, stopping when the younger stops. Kibum is still holding his wrist, guiding him through the dark of the dock. Jonghyun's gotten good at trusting Kibum.

The police sirens grow louder, but somehow Jonghyun knows they are not encountering the police at any point. He sees the lights close to them, but knows Kibum is taking them through the best path possible to get to a car and flee.

Kibum taps Jonghyun's shoulder, indicating him to kneel down as they walk behind a few bushes which over the way to the parking lot, and just as Jonghyun is about to do so, he accidentally steps on a can. Human error.

He is not human.

A police officer spots him, and the moment he sees him Jonghyun has a gun pointed at him. The gun shot is out, and Jonghyun feels the burn on his shoulder, but he won't scream. He looks down and Kibum's face is white.

"You--" Kibum tries to say, but suddenly his brows furrow and Jonghyun can practically feel Kibum's energy against his skin. For a second, it’s as if everything is out of control. "Run, there's a black car, you can get it going, _run_ ," Kibum whispers harshly, and Jonghyun can hear the gunshots, yet none are hitting them. He stares at Kibum's panicked face one more second—the most emotional he's seen it in months—and then runs after the car.

No one spots him as he runs towards the parked, black car, but his hands are shaking regardless. Once he is standing outside the car, his mind is too noisy and he can't get the lock to open. He tries a deep breath, but it ends up shaky and strangled. He focuses once more, the button pops, and Jonghyun jumps inside.

He tries to get the car going the way Kibum taught him a few months back, but he is useless, his mind is cloudy, he is tired, scared, and it isn't until his adrenaline starts going down that he feels the wound on his shoulder. It stings, and apparently the bullet did not pierce his skin, simply graced over it. There is blood dripping, and that keeps Jonghyun a little preoccupied and disgusted.

He takes a look at the wheel and tries once again. The tires start moving backwards.

Jonghyun is not going to die today.

He arrives at the small motel where Kibum and him were staying at. He asks for the number they always ask for, and apparently, Kibum is already there. He hadn't even thought about him.

He runs to the door, opens up with his key, and is met with the sight of a distressed Kibum sitting on the bed.

"Fuck," he mutters, standing up and motioning for Jonghyun to come closer. He grabs Jonghyun’s arm gently, pulls him into the room. Kibum closes the door and quickly gets Jonghyun to sit on the bed, then runs off to the bathroom.

He comes back with a first aid kid, and frenetically searches for alcohol, a gauze, pulling everything out of the white box with shaking hands. Jongyhun can only watch, hands frozen on his lap. He turns to catch the dried blood, wincing.

Kibum fidgets for a few more seconds, and Jonghyun _thinks_ Kibum may be crying, but that is impossible since he never does. He didn't cry the first time they were chased by the police, he hasn't cried out of desperation, or sadness, like Jonghyun has. Kibum only stands stone faced.

But right now Kibum may be teary eyed, except his face is down and Jonghyun can't see him properly.

Kibum huffs, and stops his movements. He looks up and there are no tears.

"How did you let this happen?" He asks, looking at Jonghyun's shoulder.

"I didn't sense it."

"Jonghyun," Kibum exhales, and then anger rushes over his face, "they can kill you. Kill us. They have orders to shoot to harm, you can't be this careless," Kibum says, anger in his tone, jaw tight.

And Jonghyun could get angry too. But he is tired.

"The bullet graced my arm," Jonghyun whispers back, energy drained, "I'm fine."

Kibum’s eyes widen at his answer. Jonghyun thinks he was expecting a fight, or at least an argument, but Jonghyun was so tired. He didn't want this anymore.

He feels Kibum's shift in mood as he looks up.

He wants to ask what he's thinking, but Kibum snaps out of it and proceeds to clean Jonghyun's wound. He finishes in a matter of minutes, and then puts everything back in the box and walks back to retrieve it to the bathroom. Jonghyun remains sitting there, shoulders slouched.

When Kibum's on bed, Jonghyun walks out to the balcony and stares at the city below him. He doesn't think he has ever felt this alone. Even next to Kibum, he feels alone.

He looks down at the pavement, thinks about it.

He takes a deep breath, exhales.

Jonghyun is not going to die today.

-

Jonghyun wakes up the next morning, and there's a piercing pain on his arm. He winces as he sits up, and heads to the bathroom without bothering to even get his clothes. He clicks the light switch, and stares at his bleary face. His eye bags have grown over the past few weeks, and his skin looks messy lately, with acne popping up in random places. He turns to his wound, glances at the bandage that's peaking with blood in the middle. He wraps the gauze off his arm, and glances at the cut. It is actually not that big, he notices, as he stares at it. He can see it's starting to heal, the edges starting to turn into a darker color.

Jonghyun gets into the shower and makes sure to avoid the cut on his arm, he only cleans it right in the end, gently letting the warm water soak over it, and then steps out. He looks at himself in the mirror—now at his naked body—but the bathroom's steamy, and he sees only sees parts of his body on the mirror.

He can see his hipbone, his cheek, his shoulder—the unwounded one.

He wraps a towel around his waist and steps out to get his clothes before cleaning his arm. He feels the cold air hit his skin, the hotel room had the AC on, and he feels a shiver run down his body. He finds Kibum in the kitchen, and the boy turns, eyes widenning as his eyes fall on Jonghyun’s torso. Kibum's face regains composure, and he walks to him, glancing at his arm.

"Have you cleaned it?"

"Not yet," Jonghyun replies, feeling suddenly very underdressed in front of him.

"Let's," Kibum replies, and grabs Jonghyun's shoulders with ease to turn him around. Kibum's skin feels cold against him, but he does his best to ignore the feeling, the nervousness.

He rests against the sink as Kibum goes back to the room to get their first aid kit, lifting the towel a little from his waist. Jonghyun finally feels the heat of the bathroom, now that he tasted the cold air of the AC.

Kibum comes back, places the box next to him.

Jonghyun can feel how Kibum's eyes are avoiding him, focusing on the gauzes, the wall, anything. He brings up cotton and alcohol, and moves to stand in front of Jonghyun.

From their position, Jonghyun can see the pores on Kibum's nose, his sleepy and swollen eyes. How his brow furrows as he starts cleaning around Jonghyun’s skin. Jonghyun loves every bit of it. Loves Kibum’s slightly red eyes, his messy bed hair, loves him even when Kibum does not.

The burn on his arm makes him wince, and he feels how Kibum's eyes are burning his skin, as they go over his arm, and move to his face randomly, to glance at Jonghyun's face. He tries his best to not blush, to ignore the weight in his stomach as Kibum's hand holds his arm in place. He is still only on a towel and it makes him self-conscious, thinking maybe he was gained weight, or that his body's skin is breaking out as well.

Kibum gets the gauze over his shoulder and seals it with first aid tape.

"Did it hurt?" Kibum asks, and the question hangs in the air as if he were asking something else.

Jonghyun holds his stare.

"Not this time," he answers, and only now he notices the sweat on Kibum's temples, the bathroom was still hot and steamy. Kibum takes a tiny step forward, and he is the closest to Jonghyun he's been in months.

His eyes drop to Jonghyun's chin—or lips—Jonghyun isn't sure, but Kibum's hand lands on his shoulder, and Jonghyun's surprised to feel he is not feeling anything. It's as if all his senses block for a moment, he can't hear himself, can't hear Kibum, can't even pretend to sense whatever he was feeling. Kibum blinks, and his hand drops in a second, as he moves back and walks away, and whatever Jonghyun thought was there is now gone, and vanishing as Kibum starts babbling to let him know to take care of his arm, that _they need to be more careful_ , and he keeps going, scolding Jonghyun once again.

Kibum tells him they'll be driving to Jung-gu, south, and Jonghyun absentmindedly listens as he picks his clothes to put something on.

There are many things he does absentmindedly these days.

-

"Don't open your eyes," Jonghyun says, almost laughing.

"Jonghyun," Jinki is laughing too, and Jonghyun can't help but laugh even harder, "even if I opened my eyes, your hands are covering them."

"Regardless, please keep your eyes closed, we're almost there," Jonghyun replies, and keeps pushing until they reach the small picnic he had set up.

The day was sunny and warm, just like Jonghyun planned it to be.

They arrive, and Jonghyun takes his hands off Jinki's eyes.

"Can I open them now?" Jinki asks, and Jonghyun smiles from behind him.

"Yes," Jonghyun whispers, and he notes when Jinki does, because his emotions change abruptly, from playful, to something more profound Jonghyun had come to know over the past year. "Happy anniversary, love."

Jinki turns around with a warm smile, and moves to hug him. He buries his face on Jonghyun's neck, and then plants a kiss there.

"Thank you," he whispers against Jonghyun's neck, and they stand there for a few minutes.

He is in love.

 

 

 

 

▶

Jonghyun watches Minho whisper something into Jinki's ear, and the latter's aura shifts. Jonghyun knows that emotion on him too well. He looks away.

He is staring at a huge door, which according to Jinki's explanations and instructions is where they have kept Kibum's body from the moment he died to the moment they found out he wasn't dead. Jonghyun still doesn't understand that story completely, but he is most likely going to hear it soon from Kibum himself.

Jinki made a huge emphasis on how Jonghyun was supposed to access Kibum's head and speak to him, since they had not been able to wake him up yet, and a 'familiar' voice was most likely going to do so. Jonghyun does not consider himself a familiar voice, nor he wishes to be one.

A couple of minutes pass where Jonghyun thinks thoroughly about this. Many years ago he decided Kibum was dead to him, and then he actually died. Jonghyun remembers Jinki’s phone call.

And now he is here again.

He hears the door behind him beep and turns to find Jinki. The door closes, and he steps in front of Jonghyun.

"Ready?" He asks. Jonghyun shakes his head. Jinki sighs, "I know you don't want to do this, but there are things you don't know yet that Kibum will be able to tell you once he wakes up."

Jonghyun glances around and catches sight of the armed guards outside the room.

"Is that really necessary?” he asks as Jinki turns to the guard, “He isn’t really a criminal."

"I know he isn't, Jonghyun,” Jinki replies, voice soft. “I am sure he will wake up once you talk to him. He must’ve missed you."

Jonghyun laughs, and Jinki's aura shifts.

"He left me to die, Jinki."

Jonghyun waits for the shift Jinki has whenever he mentions that night. Jinki's emotions shift again, and it's _there_.

"What was _that_?" Jonghyun asks, and Jinki's expression falls.

"I—" Jinki starts, but Jonghyun cuts him off.

“What aren’t you telling me?" Jonghyun steps forward, causing Jinki to step back.

"It’s not my place to talk," he gives him a sad smile.

With that, and one last look, Jinki walks out.

 _Know that I love you, no matter what_ , Jonghyun recalls his own words.

He looks at the white doors in front of him, and Jonghyun could pretend he is dead with all the white lighting. The doors slide open, and there's a small capsule with a body inside.

He looks paler than he ever did, and there's a respirator on his face.

Jonghyun steps forward. He can hear his own heartbeat.

When he is standing in front of the body, he feels a churn on his stomach he thought had died after Kibum left him, but it's there, persistent as ever. Kibum's face seems more mature somehow, he doesn't look 19 anymore. Even with the mask on his face, and the tubes coming out of his nose, he feels different.

It's been years.

_Kibum._

A couple of minutes pass, but he hears nothing.

The nerves building on his stomach are not a joke, he can feel the burn, his breathing go shaky. He tries deep breaths, but stupid to even try to be calm in this situation. Suddenly, Jonghyun feels taken back in time, and it’s as if there’s a mirror in front of him, and he is 19, dating Jinki and trying to stop himself from falling in love with Kibum.

Jonghyun's never felt more uncertain.

And then he hears it, piercing through his forehead.

_Jonghyun?_

He freezes. And all those nerves transform into anger, and then he is walking out.

 

 

 

 

⟲

Jonghyun remembers walking around the hotel in order to clear up his mind—through his glasses he could see the sky from the garden of the establishment, and he was amazed at how blue it looked.

Whenever Jonghyun felt overwhelmed of his current situation, or simply felt as if there was too much on his head, he opted for walking around parks or staring at the sky. The second was an option if the public places weren’t nearby or somehow private. He wouldn’t risk getting caught.

This helped him realize the world was too big, too much was happening outside of himself. His problems looked smaller when he was staring at the sky.

He relaxes, and decides to get back to the room and start packing so they could leave soon.

He clicks the elevator button and waits, using his left hand to let his right shoulder rest.

He arrives to their floor, and looks in his pocket for the key. When he opens the door, there’s 4 machine guns pointed at him.

Kibum’s bags are gone.

Jonghyun has never felt more stupid in his life.

“Kim Jonghyun, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in court law. You—“

He lets the handcuffs lock with a click and stops listening.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

amethyst and flowers on the table, is it real or a fable?  
well, I suppose a friend is a friend  
and we all know how this will end

**part 2. jinki**

 ****⟲

Jinki stares at his computer, wide-eyed.

_Schizophrenia._

But it can’t be. Jinki isn’t paranoic, he just hears voices. What is his mom going to say? Will she kick him out? What about his boyfriend? Can he still go to school? Graduate?

Technically, the fact that he knows there’s something wrong with him doesn’t affect him at all, as it has never affected him before. Thousands of people live with schizophrenia every day and have good lives. Jinki could do that too.

But his mom needed to know.

“Honey?” his mother says at the dinner table, confusedly.

“I googled it, and that’s what it is. When you hear voices, you know? Like, I hear voices in my head all the time, but don’t worry, I’m still the exact same person and if we—“

“Honey. Oh, baby,” his mother says, standing up from the table and hugging him tightly, “you’re not schizophrenic.”

“Don’t deny it,” he mumbles into his mother’s hair, hugging her back, “it’s fine.”

“No, honey, you really aren’t,” she pulls back, with a huge smile on her face. Jinki doesn’t understand.

“Why are you so happy?”

“There’s something I need to tell you about.”

That night is the first time Jinki sees a picture of his father.

He caresses the old photograph as if it was made of crystal.

The first picture is old and brown, the next one has color.

That night Jinki finds out his father was a mind reader, that there’s people who have _abilities_ that normal humans don’t and that Jinki is one of them.

“I never said anything, since your father told me to never mention it until you showed any signs of having it. You know, I’m human so there were chances you never developed any type of _thing_ ,” his mother chuckles, “but you’re a mind reader. Just like your father.”

His mother’s smile is warm, and Jinki tries to find some comfort in that, but he is absolutely terrified.

In the end, the discovery of his new abilities lead Jinki’s mother to contact a special school, a thing that makes Jinki feel like an alien. His last day of school is horrible, having to say goodbye to his friends in such a short notice.

“In the middle of the year?” Sooyoung asks, and he wishes the answer was no.

He breaks up with Joon, and does it over the phone because he thinks it will hurt less.

It doesn’t.

His mom drops him at a bus station with a hug and a kiss to his forehead, and he almost cries because he wishes this wasn’t happening. He doesn’t want to leave his mom, his friends, his life. But he wants to meet people like him. He wants to feel normal.

The train ride is awful, he can’t sleep, people keep getting into his head, and Jinki can’t seem to block them out. He cries for about 10 minutes, walks to the bathroom of the bus and pulls himself together.

Through the smell of urine Jinki decides that he is going to be strong. For himself. For everyone around him. The old Jinki with the soft voice and the bad decisions was gone.

-

Jinki’s eyes slip open, and he palms the side of the bed, only to feel it empty and cold. He groans as he rolls on bed, refusing to get out of it. But it _was_ their anniversary after all, so he drags himself, quite literally, out of bed and slides his feet into his bunny slippers. He walks through the house, passing the kitchen, and carefully going down the stairs towards the basement, he walks into the lab.

Minho looks up from whatever he is reading and smiles.

“Good morning, beautiful,” he says, as Jinki merely buries his face on his neck, lacing his arms around his waist.

“Why aren’t you in bed?” Jinki whispers, voice hoarse.

“I was just looking into some stuff.”

Jinki pulls back, frowning.

“Stuff?”

“Kibum’s… stuff.”

“Minho,” Jinki starts with a groan, “Kibum’s dead-”

“Yeah, well. I know that, but. I’m going to sound crazy.”

“Minho,” Jinki repeats, pushing Minho aside to take a look at the block of sheets spread across the metallic table, recordings of brain waves and medical recipes, the top of the sheets reading _Kim Kibum._ “Oh god.”

“We think he might not be, well, dead. His brain must’ve—“

“Minho.”

“Technically—“

“No—no, god, no. Shut up, it’s too early and it’s our anniversary and I honestly do not want to know, okay? We’ll talk about it later.”

Minho merely nods, slipping off his glasses and sitting on the stool next to the table of their in-home lab.

“Come here,” Minho says, taking a hold of Jinki’s hips and bringing him closer.

Minho’s lips are always soft, and his kisses always make Jinki fall a little bit more in love with him.

“I love you,” Minho whispers against his mouth, and Jinki merely smiles, arms on Minho’s shoulders.

-

Jinki’s barely even awake when there’s a loud voice shouting right next to him.

“Why?” Jinki groans, as Jonghyun chants—and apparently jogs through the whole room.

“Happy birthday!” Jonghyun screams at the top of his lungs—and that’s it. Jinki sits on bed frowning.

“It’s not my birthday.”

“It’s our birthday here!”

Jinki only stares at Jonghyun’s grin.

“It’s been a year, officially. Since we moved in here.”

“I don’t feel like celebrating the fact that I met you right now.”

“Don’t be so grumpy! Get up Lee Jinki! There’s so much we can do today—go to the park, or maybe go to that expensive coffee shop down the road. Does it sound nice?”

Jinki just drops himself on the bed again.

The space next to him dips, and there’s a kiss placed on his cheek.

“I’m sorry that I woke you up. I’m just happy,” Jonghyun murmurs into his ear.

“Let me sleep one more hour and I’ll go wherever you want, okay?”

Jonghyun lets Jinki sleep, but not before he blows air into his ear.

-

“Congratulations!” Luna practically screams as Jinki shows them their engagement ring, and he tries to not blush from all the shouts and compliments he hears.

“I’m so happy for both of you,” Victoria comments with a huge grin, pulling Jinki into a hug and swinging him side to side, “you’ll make the hottest couple here. Officially.”

“Congrats,” Jongdae says, smiling from the table.

Jinki adjusts his lab coat after Victoria lets him go, and he smiles softly at his team.

“Thank you guys, it’s not that big of a deal.”

“Are you kidding? You’re getting married!” Luna exclaims. “Minho dragged it for so long though, how long have you guys been together?”

“Almost two years,” he looks down, smiling. He hated questions about Minho at his workplace, because it always made him blush and well, Jinki was a very professional person. Professional scientists don’t blush.

The door of the lab opens and Minho walks in, glasses and serious face on, making Jinki’s stomach dance.

“Jongdae, do you have the reports I asked for yesterday?”

“Right here,” the young man replies, handing them over.

“Thanks,” Minho says, glancing down at the folders, “Victoria, come with me—and bring Soojung, please.”

Victoria also nods, and Jinki only looks down at the ground.

Jinki tried to be professional because he would be getting married to professionalism itself.

But as Jinki’s eyes are on the ground he doesn’t notice until a couple of seconds later that there’s someone standing in front of him.

“Hey there,” Minho says, smiling softly, and then he keeps walking—and then he is out of the lab, Victoria following behind.

Jinki knows he is _not_ blushing, even when Luna says the contrary.

-

Jinki's browsing his phone, looking up random YouTube videos. An hour and a half passes, and he is thoroughly enjoying his Friday, resting and thinking about ignoring his homework for the weekend so he and Jonghyun can spend time together.

He smiles absent-mindedly, dropping his phone and lying down completely on bed. He's already in his pajamas, comfortable. He glances at the clock and sees 7:26 on the display, which means Jonghyun should've finished his class around half an hour ago.

He doesn't think about calling, since he isn't the jealous type, and he trusts Jonghyun enough. They have been together for almost a year, and he has learned that Jonghyun is the most loyal person he could've encountered. He knows better than to be jealous.

He closes his eyes, and assumes he falls asleep. When he blinks his eyes again, the door is slamming open, and Jinki glances at the clock. 8:53.

He looks up and finds Jonghyun, walking hurriedly around the room, and Jinki can practically _hear_ him without even trying to. Jonghyun's shoving things into a huge bag that looks almost like a suitcase, and Jinki sits up.

"What happened?" Jinki asks, still a little out of it, but more awake than he would've been in a normal situation. Jonghyun immediately stops and looks at him. Regret. Guilt.

Kibum's eyes flash through Jonghyun's head, and Jinki's stomach drops.

"I'm leaving," Jonghyun says, but Jinki has way more questions than he thinks he will have time to ask.

"What do you mean?" He replies, and he wants to get in Jonghyun's head so bad, but he knows Jonghyun will notice at this point. He is no longer the kid he met. Jonghyun can sense him.

But somehow, Jonghyun allows Jinki access, lets the memories flood through his mind. He figures Jonghyun can't open his mouth to say it, so he is showing him. Jinki sees a body. He sees Kibum’s pale face.

At that, Jonghyun immediately shuts him out again, and Jinki knows that there are other highly important details he isn't ready to let Jinki see yet. (And to be honest, Jinki is probably not ready to know.)

Jonghyun continues packing, and Jinki wants to do something, say something. He is losing. Losing bad and there seemed to be no battle to begin with.

"Did he kill him?" Jinki asks, words muttered, and Jonghyun stills completely. Only now, under closer inspection, can he see that Jonghyun is shaking. He can see him grasping a shirt with one hand and the strap of his bag in the other. He can see his wet cheeks and red eyes. Jink’s scared. But mostly in love.

Love.

Jonghyun nods slowly. The sides of his mouth turn down, and then he is crying where he stands. His shoulders shake, and Jinki wants to hold him and tell him he doesn't have to do this. This doesn't have to be it.

He reaches out, and caresses Jonghyun's cheek, using his thumb to remove the tears he can. Jonghyun takes a step forward, shirt and bag still in his hands, arms and shoulders dropped at his sides, and hides his face in Jinki's neck. Jinki feels Jonghyun's tears, Jonghyun's heart.

"You don't have to," he whispers, caressing the back of Jonghyun's nape, and Jonghyun keeps crying against him, "you don't have to."

But he knows. Jinki knows Jonghyun wants to. It breaks his heart, puts a hard weight on his chest, but he knows.

"I'm so sorry," Jonghyun says, "I'm sorry."

He pushes Jinki away and continues the search through his room, roaming around, packing clothes, hairbrushes, his phone, headphones. He runs to the bathroom as Jinki stands there, still dumbfounded, still uncertain. When he comes out of the small room again he sets his bag down on the bed, zipping it closed, and that's when he finally looks up.

"Jonghyun," Jinki says, voice aggravated. He gets to be angry. He gets to be angry because his heart is breaking, but he wants to understand.

Jonghyun simply looks at him, eyes sad.

Jinki doesn't say anything, and neither does Jonghyun. He moves forward to hug him once more, and Jinki holds him tight.

"Know that I love you," Jonghyun whispers, "no matter what."

Jinki nods, slowly letting go. They don't say it’s over between them, but he knows it is.

Jonghyun closes the door behind him, and Jinki doesn't know what to do with himself.

-

Jinki's desk is a mess, full of plastic cups of coffee and papers, reports, pictures and samples from bacteria they were analyzing, and a bunch of papers that he could hardly remember what they were for.

He is replying to a stupid message Luna sends him.

 _He got you something_ , the bright pink letters announce.

 _Stop_ , Jinki replies and minimizes the window, typing away on his computer on another report he's supposed to deliver in a few hours.

He's too focused on adjusting the fonts right before he sends it, that he doesn't notice his phone ringing. He only catches a glance of the name on the screen before it shows as missed call, and he freezes. He reaches out and does a double take. _Jonghyun?_

The door of his office opens, and Jinki is snapped out of his scare by Minho, who's holding a coffee cup.

"Are you okay?" He asks with a smile.

"Just busy," he replies shortly, leaving his phone on his desk, screen down. He hears the brim of Minho's thoughts but ignores it.

"You look like you saw something horrible on your phone, are you sure it's fine?"

"Yes, I just—" he laughs, "Jongdae sent me a pic of his toe, remember that he wanted to see if he could work the bacteria on his nail? Looks nasty now."

Minho laughs, but Jinki knows he doesn't buy his story. The fact he disregards it means a lot to him.

"I brought you coffee," Minho smiles, placing the cup in one of the small spaces left on his desk.

Jinki smiles, letting out a sigh he had been holding in.

"Thank you," he says, laughing slightly.

"If you need anything I'll be in my office, Soojung is helping us with some reports."

"Finally making herself useful."

"Oh, you know how hard her gift is to manage. Give her a break."

Jinki leans back on his chair, covering his eyes with his forearm.

"We've all gone through hard times with our powers. It's no excuse."

"Mind reading is no omniscience," Minho replies, and then Jinki senses him. He knows Minho's picked up on his mood, so he excuses himself and walks out.

Jinki sits straight again and looks at his phone.

He has a voicemail.

-

He is staring dumbfounded at the T.V.

The news program is reporting a murder in his school. They say the person murdered was the son of the Director. They show the funeral, the family grieving, the memorial done by the front gates of the school, with tons of flowers, candles, and more. Signs showing supporting words to the family, and sharing the kind of person Sungjae had been.

The article never mentions the school is full of mutants, or that the student had truly died by having a desk thrown at him.

Jinki knows more than he wishes about this, so he looks back down to his cereal and keeps eating. He is sitting in the middle of the common room, trying to zone out when the reporter gives details on the fugitive they are looking for. They only mention one, so that's good, he thinks.

He stands up and walks to the cafeteria, finding a sink and washing his bowl. He carefully sets it inside the top cabinet, and walks back to his room.

He hears it in the hallway, not sure where it's coming from.

_That's him._

He almost stops, but keeps walking out of spite. He promised himself he wouldn't let it get to him, what people are saying. He knew more gossip was bound to come after Jonghyun suddenly disappeared and Kibum ran away.

He tries not to hear people talking about it, but sometimes the voices come too strong, not giving him a chance to stop them.

He is trapped.

Jinki had spent the last few days feeling stupid, and very heartbroken. His days where composed of thinking what he had done wrong with Jonghyun, what he missed, what he could've done better. Was it that Kibum was better looking? More handsome, slim? Smarter? Jinki had always thought Kibum would be a better suite for Jonghyun, it was only bound to end this way.

 _Poor guy,_ he hears, and immediately starts walking faster.

He could feel the tears slip through his face, and the weight on his chest. He was in pain, his head was a mess and that made him perceptible, he could hear more and more.

He reaches his room, and slams the door closed.

He lets himself cry. Jinki is gentle with himself, his heart is breaking and he feels alone, so at least he was strong enough to admit what he was feeling. He had never noticed that Jonghyun had drifted from him so easily.

He cries, not caring about time, or homework, or the things he needed to do. He let’s himself cry and dwell on it, let’s the wound ache. He deserved the compassion.

He lies down and rests, allows his body to recharge.

Jinki didn't know falling in love would be like this.

-

"This place looks expensive," is the first thing Jinki says when they walk into the candle-lit restaurant Minho takes him to. The place is decorated in red and gold, the chandeliers hanging from the ceiling giving the place the ultimate touch of expensive. Jinki glances around and looks at the waiters, who look completely on the formal side, nothing like the people you catch in casual diners.

"Well," Minho smiles, his shiny smile and brown skin glowing in the restaurant. He looks very much like someone else, but Jinki sends that thought to the back of his head and disregards it. "You deserve a restaurant like this. After all, it's a special occasion since you agreed to have dinner with me."

Jinki laughs, walking behind Minho to wait for a table.

"You're so dramatic," Jinki smiles, "work's been crazy and you know it."

"Oh, that excuse is old," Minho says, standing way too close to him, and Jinki just doesn't understand. "Work is calm."

"Says the head of the research team."

Minho smiles, looking down, and Jinki swears he is blushing.

"Well, I've worked hard."

"And you deserve it," he mutters with a smile, noticing Minho's change in emotion, "no one would have been better for that job."

The taller boy smiles, the cheesy grin he puts on sometimes, which Luna says is always directed only at Jinki. Luna is very delusional.

Jinki's learned the hard way how love is not good for him, and how boys are bound to leave you. They leave you and never come back. There's still a voicemail on his phone he refuses to open.

The waiter comes and takes them to a table for two in a corner of the restaurant, and they order rather quickly as Jinki simply goes for pasta and Minho orders a French dish. They discuss a little work, but Minho stops him.

"This is a celebration night, let's not go there."

"Then what do you suggest we talk about?" Jinki asks, laughing fully and leaning forward on the table. Minho eyes glisten, and Jinki looks away.

"You can tell me about yourself," he says hesitantly, "I mean, almost two years in the same school and sharing a chemistry class, and I barely know you. Now that we work together, I should know my co-workers, shouldn't I?" Minho finishes, smiling, and if Jinki were to be hopeful, maybe even flirting.

"Well, what do you want to know about me?"

"Whatever you want to share."

Jinki think about it, starts with his favorite food (Korean), to which Minho replies with a yell of _you should've told me,_ , and Jinki laughs because this food is fine as well. He shares a bit about his family, about his mom and how much he misses her.

Minho gives him his attention through the whole thing, and then it’s his turn to share and Jinki does the same. He learns Minho had found out he was a telepath when his mother started complaining that she could even hear his voice in her head, which gave his father many things to explain. Minho was 12, and as an only child, his father focused on giving him the best studies and training to fully develop his abilities.

Minho must be better than Jinki at managing his emotions, since Minho mentions he notices the way he goes off balance often. Jinki doesn't mention he was better at it before his heart got broken many years ago.

They eat slowly, enjoying the night, and Jinki hasn't had this much fun in a very long time.

They walk out of the restaurant, and the cold of the night hits his face and neck, making him look down in an attempt to bury his neck into his coat.

"I can't believe you thought it was schizophrenia," Minho laughs.

"I can't believe you're still laughing at that, God," Jinki glares at him, "it's been like an hour."

"It's just funny," Minho says, and concludes his laughing spree. Then, after a moment of silence, he laughs again, loud and obnoxious and so _him._

"You'll never let it go, will you?"

"I can try."

Jinki grins, and looks around at the street.

"We should get going, we have to be early at work tomorrow," Jinki mutters, turning his attention back to Minho and noticing his eyes. They were telling him more than he wanted to know.

"Are you fine with taking a cab home?" Minho asks, smile still painted on his face.

"Yeah."

Minho steps forward, and after a minute or so hails a taxi for him.

Jinki steps in and gives Minho a quick wave.

 _Thank you for tonight, I enjoyed this lot,_ Jinki hears once inside. He turns and catches Minho's smile.

He feels something, a mixture of hope and empathy, and that thing he's been burying for so long after he gave it away and it got messed up. He simply forces a smile back, and focuses on giving the driver instructions.

Fool me once, he thinks.

-

He only sees him from afar, and Jinki thought he'd look worse after being on the run for so long. He is a bit skinnier, that Jinki can catch, as he remembers his cheeks fuller, his frame less slouched.

He looks almost dead now.

Jinki should technically not be there, but since he had negotiated on Jonghyun's behalf and hired the lawyer for him he had opted to stay until they got him to the station. Jinki was rarely grateful Minho’s parents were influential in these circles.

Jonghyun has a helmet on his head, and he doesn't think he's seen the boy look that frustrated in all the years they spent together.

They would be keeping Jonghyun in jail for day, and then release him upon watch of a mutant organization with the excuse that he would be supporting the scientific team with the studies of telekinesis, in hopes of understanding further the mutant brain. There were also other conditions included in the settlement, but as long as Jonghyun was safe Jinki could care less.

Jinki's chest gets full of hope, and he suddenly feels everything he had buried over the last few years come crashing down. The pain, the unresolved feelings. He could feel everything right in his chest, but decided to ignore it. Not right now.

The officer comes out and signals at Jinki to walk into the room, so he stands and takes careful steps to it. He hesitates before he reaches the doorframe.

Stops. Listens.

He doesn't hear anything. Assumes it’s the police's helmet.

He walks into the room and the first thing he notices is Jonghyun's shock. The younger stares at him as if he had seen a ghost, and Jinki doesn't know if that is good or bad.

"Hi," he whispers, not sure what grounds they're on. It's been years. "I'll be explaining the conditions you'll be under."

Jonghyun doesn't reply, but the guilt is dripping off his face, composed by the heavy bags under his eyes, and his red rimmed eyes.

"You'll be released under the watch of a special—"

"I'm sorry," Jonghyun mutters, and Jinki _hears_ the regret. The hurt.

Jinki sighs. Clears his throat.

"We can discuss that later."

He explains to Jonghyun how his future will look, how he'll be detained for a few days and then move to a house arrest due to orders. He explains the possibilities, Jonghyun's options, and that a lawyer will be accompanying him in a moment. Through the explanation Jonghyun's emotional state does not change. Jinki wishes he could do something, but he's endured enough.

"Do you have any questions?" Jinki asks, looking up at Jonghyun from the bunch of papers he is gathering again inside his binder.

"Not right now," Jonghyun croaks out.

And Jinki wishes he could hug him. Wishes he could heal it all, make it better. But Jinki has his own healing to do.

-

Luna and Jongdae say goodbye to them, and then it's just Jinki and Minho in the latter’s apartment.

He feels the tension, but doesn't comment or say anything, only waits on Minho's couch until he comes back from the door. The TV is still on, and there's still a bowl of popcorn in Jinki's lap, and his stomach starts twisting. He is nervous, scared, and doing his best to hide it.

Minho sits next to him once again, and they continue watching the movie as if nothing happened, as if they're not together on a couch.

"Do you want popcorn?" Jinki asks, handing the bowl to Minho.

"No, thanks," he replies with a small smile, turning back to the movie.

A few minutes pass, and Jinki starts thinking he might be in safe territory, until Minho turns to him again, arm landing on the couch, right above his shoulders.

"I—actually have something to say."

Jinki freezes, and everything goes to hell, his mind starts trying to get into Minho's—mind reader reflex—and Minho simply laughs, removing his arm, yet keeping his knee against Jinki's.

"Calm down," he laughs, "I'm not doing anything you don't want me to."

Jinki doesn't know what to look at, so he simply stares at Minho's lap, feeling as if he's about to throw up.

"What do you want to say?" He whispers, and that's Minho's green light.

"I know you—you went through some stuff," Jinki almost winces, 2 years were not enough to heal it, "and I know you don't want a relationship right now, but I--" he goes quiet, and Jinki's not sure if he is just afraid of rejecting Minho or afraid he feels something for him too. "I like you. You're kind and sweet, and very handsome, and I just—I like you."

Minho goes silent, and once Jinki looks up Minho's eyes are on the floor and his cheeks are a soft shade of red, contrasting against his dark skin.

That's the first moment after Jonghyun left that Jinki allows himself to feel anything of this kind.

When Minho looks up, their eyes meet and there's silence for the first time in years. Jinki doesn't hear anything else, no other faint voices in the back of his head, or slow murmurs from far way.

Silence.

Minho leans forward, slowly, giving Jinki the option to move back, or stop him, or do anything that might indicate he doesn't want this, but Jinki lets him.

Their lips touch, and if Jinki's stomach had been jittery before it explodes now, and he feels everything a little more. Minho's lips are slightly chapped, and they feel warm and comfortable against his skin.

Minho's palms land on Jinki's cheeks, and the kiss gets deeper, so he simply lets himself be kissed, allows Minho take care of everything.

Minho's thumbs caress his cheeks, and Jinki hasn't felt this loved or calm in months.

They keep kissing for a few more minutes, until Minho pushes Jinki onto his back, and his knee accidentally hits Minho's dick.

He falls onto the floor, crouching, and moaning for a second until Jinki reacts.

"I'm sorry, oh my god, I'm so sorr--" but then, Minho's laughter fills the room and Jinki gets quiet. "God."

10 minutes later, Minho's lying down on his couch, as Jinki sits on the floor. Jinki's lying on his forearm, face close to Minho's while brushing his hair.

"I don't know if I'm ready for this," Jinki mutters as his fingers run through Minho’s dark hair.

"I can wait," Minho says, and he is so honest that Jinki just wants to kiss him again. His chest feels hot—and he had forgotten how good this feels. "I'll wait for you."

"I'm not worth the wait, honestly," Jinki murmurs, moving back, letting Minho's hair fall onto his forehead.

"I beg to differ," he smiles.

And Jinki can't help but smile back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

▶

Jinki's not sure what the outcome of Kibum waking up will be.

A part of him is excited, for the laboratory, the research they will get to finish on brain capacity. But the bigger part of him, the one that still cared for Jonghyun, was terrified.

Jonghyun had been at the lab for a few days, and as Minho adjusted the sedatives Kibum was under, he stared at Jonghyun from inside the room. He looked terrified.

He figures it is partly like an illusion for him. Finding out Kibum was dead, then seeing him alive—after everything Kibum had put him through—must have been like the biggest part of a joke that was not funny at all for Jonghyun.

Jinki thinks back on a few years ago, to Jonghyun crying on his apartment, apologizing. Alone.

He wants to pretend he can't understand what betrayal feels like, but he does. But he forgave Jonghyun, so he knows Jonghyun can forgive Kibum as well.

Minho finishes with changing sedatives, and then walks out of the room to Jinki. His expression must be obvious, because Jinki hears an ‘ _everything okay_?’ on his head, and turns to Minho.

"Yeah."

Minho simply gives him an incredulous face, and he knows that if he wants to lie Minho was the wrong person to do so with.

"I'm worried," he mutters, and let's his hand linger on the door that leads to the main room of the laboratory. It's just him and Minho inside four walls of glass.

"You don't have to be," he replies, "nothing will change if you don't want it to."

Jinki ponders on what Minho said for a few seconds, and then turns back at him.

"You do know that I love you, right?"

Minho laughs shyly, looking down, and Jinki falls in love all over again. Minho's right.

"If you didn't I'd be kind of worried, you know. I did give you a pretty expensive ring," Minho says, and Jinki simply laughs, pushing him gently, and then giving him a quick peck, before grabbing the handle again, this time turning it, and stepping out.

Luna gives them a small smile as if she caught them in something private, and Jinki lets her. It's okay.

Nothing will change.

 

 

 

 

 

 

⟲

Jinki grabs his phone immediately after getting home, it's a decision he's made.

He slides off his lab coat without dropping the phone and jogs to his room. He dials, and presses play.

His voicemail lets him know there's an unheard message, from Jonghyun's phone. However, the voice that comes up is not his.

" _Jinki, I know this is unexpected, but I need your help. It's about Jonghyun._ "

 

 

 

 

 

 

chimney swift that finds me be my keeper  
silhouette of the cedar  
what is that song you sing for the dead?  
what is that song you sing for the dead?

  
**part 3. present (jonghyun)**

⟲

Jonghyun finds out Kibum is dead on a sunny afternoon.

He is washing the dishes, deeming himself to keep his house a little clean. This was the only place he would visit, after all, for the following years, so he promised himself to at least maintain it neat.

Another part which influenced heavily on the sudden cleanliness, a part that he denied to acknowledge, was that he watched the news. He knew Kibum was no longer on the run, knew he was captured. Cleaning helped him quiet his anxiety, his hurt.

All the possibilities that came into his mind vanished while cleaning.

So he washed the dishes.

Right before he was done he hears the phone go off, and quickly rinses his hands before picking up.

Back then, he picked up the phone on the first go.

He sees Jinki’s name on the screen.

“What’s up?”

“Hey,” he hears Jinki’s warm voice over the static, “uh, how are you?”

“I’m—good. Yeah. I’m washing the dishes.”

“Oh, good. I—uh—I have something to tell you. I—I really don’t know how to say this,” Jinki says, and somehow all of Jonghyun’s senses go off.

He knows something is wrong, so his hand that isn’t holding the phone starts fidgeting, and he paces around the living room.

“What is it?” he asks as he walks around his carpet, glancing out the window at the sun striking over the apartments’ parking lot. It looked orange.

“I… I don’t know if you know, but Kibum was captured last week, and he… well.”

“I—I was aware of that,” he replies quickly, voice on edge. “He what?”

“This morning, he was here at the lab. I am so sorry, Jonghyun.”

Jonghyun’s eyes start watering and he doesn’t know why.

“What happened?”

“He,” Jinki pauses, “he passed away this morning. I am sorry, Jonghyun.”

“What do you mean he passed away?”

Jinki hesitates. “He is dead. This morning. Minho let me know.”

Jonghyun feels his eyes drop heavy tears, doesn’t know what’s getting into him, that his eyes can’t seem to stop watering, and his chest hurting. He lets out a sob, and Jinki hears it.

“I am so sorry, I can come over if you’d like,” Jinki says, as if this is his fault, voice full on regret, and Jonghyun simply cries. He doesn’t reply, hanging up the phone, and letting it fall on the floor.

Jonghyun feels the sun come in from the windows, feels it warming his back as he is doubled over in the floor, crying. Jonghyun cries, and cries, and screams, and does not answer Jinki’s calls. He gets to grieve on his own.

When the sun sets his living room turns dark, but he doesn’t bother turning on the light.

 

 

 

 

▶

It takes Jonghyun a few more days until he decides to talk with Kibum, finally.

The previous encounter had filled him with a mixture of emotions he could not understand. A part of him was happy, a part of him felt _guilty_ for that happiness, a part of him was angry. He had stormed out of the room, and Jinki had simply intercepted him to ask what was wrong.

Jonghyun had replied with a cold ‘nothing’ and went his way.

He goes back to his apartment for two days, until his anxiety gets the best of him and all he wants is to go back to the lab. Get an explanation. A discussion. Anything.

He just wants to talk.

A part of him thought Kibum would really be either fully dead or brain dead, that him being ‘alive’ was a weird casualty that came with Jonghyun having a shit life and the universe wanting him to suffer even after so long.

But he was alive. And Jonghyun heard his voice. And he was a mess.

Minho picks him up on Saturday, simply honking two times and waiting. He picks up his bag and walks outside, feeling the sun warming his skin. He takes the stairs down from his apartment and opens Minho's car, hops in.

The ride is quite silent, and Jonghyun isn't sure he wants to clear the air with Minho. If there's anything to clear.

"This might be the last time I see you," Jonghyun mutters, "after I speak with Kibum I'm coming back home and that’s it."

Minho simply hums, signing he is listening.

“And the last time I see Jinki as well, but he doesn’t need to know that,” Jonghyun mutters, “save him the grief.”

“You’re not doing anything stupid, are you?” Minho asks, and Jonghyun has always had the conception that Minho is somehow dumb. Tamed, passive. But he knew the main reason Jinki had chosen him—like he once chose Jonghyun—was because Minho has smart, strong. He knew how to play his cards, and that was the main reason he was in charge of the lab.

“Our definitions of stupid may vary,” Jonghyun replies with a grin, lifting his feet and resting them on the dashboard of the car. “But no, I’m not doing anything stupid.”

“Should we send a wedding invite?” Minho asks, and somehow the question strikes Jonghyun more than he thought it would.

He chuckles softly. The part of him that wanted to leave and never come back clashed with the one that wanted to be on Jinki’s wedding, that wanted a family, that wanted a normal life.

All he wanted was a partner, someone to love that complemented him and that wanted to build a life with him. But too many things had happened and Jonghyun felt more thorn to pieces than complete.

His thoughts go back to the present. On what happens if he stays.

“Why not,” he replies.

-

The lab is almost empty when Minho and Jonghyun arrive, and that gives him a little more of privacy.

He leaves his bag in Jinki’s office, and catches a glance of a picture sitting right next to his laptop. It’s Minho and Jinki, smiling—and the picture looks casual, like they were laughing at something and then turned to the camera. Minho’s arms are around Jinki’s waist, and Jinki seems to be trying to make Minho let go of him.

The picture looked intimate, and it made Jonghyun crave. The intimacy. The life of a relationship, the hopes for the future.

After being under arrest he had simply dedicated his life to surviving inside his apartment, and it was tiring. He missed living.

Somehow, seeing Kibum today felt like closing a cycle, and that was what he hoped it would be.

He was planning to travel to Gongju, and stay there for a couple of months. He wanted to be away from the noise of the city—even when his neighborhood was pretty deserted—and away from all these past years. He had planned on visiting Daegu, since he liked the warm weather and the slow living, but at the same time he wanted to be away from everything that represented Kibum.

He leaves Jinki’s office and follows Minho up to the floor where the hospital was located. Minho hands him the key.

“Me and a few doctors will be in the control room, but I’m sure you can handle him. He is heavily sedated, although not unable to talk or think properly,” Minho starts, showing him how to pass the key card and access. “He’s got a reducing helmet, so he may be able to read your mind, but you’ll definitely feel him.”

“Thanks,” Jonghyun mutters back, and right before he is about to close the door, Minho stops him.

“I don’t care if you are planning on running away, but you better be at the wedding,” he says, and Jonghyun looks up at him, “he cares about you, even after all.”

Jonghyun simply smiles.

“I’m glad he has you.”

Minho chuckles, and then let’s go.

-

The room is tiringly white, and the smell of alcohol still freaks Jonghyun out. This floor’s scent was heavier than the offices.

He walks to Kibum’s door and looks from outside.

It still stuns Jonghyun, the way Kibum looks so inhuman. His skin looks paler and he somehow looks skinnier.

He pushes past the door and walks in.

Silence.

He knows Kibum is probably not asleep, but he doesn’t acknowledge him until he feels a pang on his forehead that he easily blocks this time.

“You got better,” Kibum whispers weakly from his bed. His eyes are closed, and his eyelashes contrast against his skin.

Jonghyun clenches his jaw at the sound of his voice.

“It’s been years.”

“Guess so,” he replies, and then weakly opens his eyes. “I’m glad to see you’re alive.”

Jonghyun chuckles, “could say the same.”

Silence follows, and Jonghyun doesn’t know what exactly he is supposed to ask.

“How are you feeling?” he opts for asking, and Kibum simply grunts.

“They keep giving me drugs as if I’m about to kill everyone.”

“Well.”

“I know better,” Kibum replies, face still cold and unexpressive.

Jonghyun simply stands there, leaning against the door. He is not sure on what to do. He feels awkward, like Kibum would still think he feels something.

Which he wants to think he does not.

Their eyes lock, and Jonghyun feels a pang on his chest, feels a rush of electricity run across his spine.

“Why are you here?” Kibum asks, and he sounds genuinely curious.

“They wanted me to talk to you. Let you know why you’re not in jail yet.”

Kibum laughs, sitting straighter on the bed.

“I’m guessing my death influenced it.”

“Yeah,” Jonghyun looks down, “guess they don’t want you to die again.”

Kibum gives him a smile for the first time after years, he laughs at whatever Jonghyun just said—he forgot—and he simply stares openly at his smile. This Kibum, somehow, doesn’t feel like the one from years back. The one who left.

Jonghyun explains Kibum that he isn’t in jail because the neurological researchers wanted to run tests on him and get to know the complexity his mind operated with.

Back when Kibum and Jonghyun were still running away, Kibum depicted some skills that were different from his natural gift, and that caught attention. Years ago mutants believed it was unnatural that their kind developed more abilities other than their natural gift. There was a reason everyone was given just one gift.

Jonghyun had known Kibum was more than a telekinetic before anyone else, but had never said anything. Kibum would randomly communicate without speaking, but despite his fright, Jonghyun thought it harmless.

When Jonghyun and Kibum almost got arrested once, Kibum managed to explode all the guns the officers were holding, bend a police car in two, and deliver them a clear message to _leave them alone_ , which turned Kibum into an even more wanted man, and made even the most intelligent and dedicated mutant scientists shiver.

It had been more of an urban legend that mutants could have two gifts rather than one, up until that point.

“Got it,” Kibum replies, stopping Jonghyun, “I simply need to cooperate and make sure I don’t kill anyone—or myself—correct? At least that is what I’m understanding.”

“Correct,” Jonghyun says, from the chair next to the hospital bed.

“Sounds good,” he says, and looks to his side, right at Jonghyun, “will you stay here?”

Jonghyun freezes.

“What do you mean?”

“Will you stay here, too? With me?”

Jonghyun simply stares back, and feels his heart beating. It speeds up. He presumes his face gets red.

He feels alive.

“Do you expect me to?” he replies, not sure what to say.

“I don’t,” Kibum looks away, “I really don’t.”

There is silence in the room, and Jonghyun stares at the window. He can see Minho and the other workers far away in the control room, looking into their computers. There is a world outside of Kibum and him, and he has chosen him again.

“I don’t,” Kibum repeats, “but I hope you do.” Jonghyun looks back at him with a slight frown. “I promise an explanation. Even if it’s 5 years too late.”

Kibum gives him a small smile.

Jonghyun ignores everything he is feeling and simply nods.

Fool me twice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i forgive you, mother, i can hear you,  
and i long to be near you  
but every road leads to an end  
yes, every road leads to an end

  
**part 4. kibum**

 ****⟲

The only way Kim Kibum knows he’s not dead, is that he feels uncertain.

He imagines hell to be hot, uncomfortable, and figures it would give him a strong feeling of uncertainness. Whereas, when he thought of heaven, he had the idea of it to be a comforting and calm place. He doesn't feel hot or comforted, so he assumes he is still alive.

He tries to open his eyes but he is too tired. The place he is at smells like a hospital, yet he is more than sure he isn't in one. He has an idea of where he is in, but he doesn't want to accept it.

He likes feeling uncertain. The last thing he remembers is being put to sleep, and then black. Now he can see through his eyelids, and feel the cold air hitting his skin. He wants to move his fingers but doesn't want to risk people noticing he is awake.

Kibum's been practicing.

He recalls a few years back being told by one of his teachers that the control his mind had over his body was powerful. He remembers as well Jinki's freaked out face after Kibum read his mind once. Jonghyun's shocked expression when Kibum had spoken to him without speaking.

After all these years, he was very aware of all the things his mind could do.

He had been brought up by two strict telekinetics. Kibum knew his basic gift, so much that he developed a few more.

Around the time he started noticing he developed other skills it was internally known that people who had more than one gift were dangerous, and that if anyone noticed something strange to report it to the teachers of their old school. So Kibum kept quiet about this, and told no one. Not even Jonghyun.

Jonghyun.

He feels a pang of anger spread through his stomach. Ignores it.

He starts listening to the sounds around him. He hears a voice he knows but can't point out far from him. Then there's Jinki, Luna. He hears the machine next to him, marking his heartbeat.

He fights back a smile.

Kibum would’ve never thought his life would end the way it will.

He zones out, and hears the machine mark the final beep. It drags on.

Now, he is dead.

-

Kibum knew something was odd from the first moment he saw him.

He recalls walking through the library and spotting him. He had brown hair, was a telekinetic as well. Kibum could sense the other's presence, it was so soft yet so powerful. He was in awe. And just as he was in awe, he didn't quite understand.

He started having dreams with the boy. They were together in hotels, running away from something. They kissed, and Kibum woke up with wet underwear after a very peculiar and interesting dream that involved skin against skin, and just the thought of the boy got Kibum hot all over.

This was not his usual self. Kibum was composed. Polite. Had everything under control. He wasn't a horny teenager with escalating wet dreams.

Then, one night Kibum dreamed the boy died.

They're standing right next to each other, and suddenly a man dressed in blue shoots the brunette, and he falls to the ground. Kibum sees the blood pouring, and he feels a frustration and _anger_ he had never felt before. So much _power_ yet he couldn't do anything.

He wakes up, feeling a heavy aching inside his chest, and hot tears pouring as he weeps. He feels helpless, and it had been a dream. He can't understand.

After that night, he wanted to ignore the boy, ignore he had ever existed and that Kibum had ever dreamed of him. But after all the sleepless nights and mixed feelings he wanted to know more.

So Kibum approaches him.

“Tired?” Kibum says. He had seen the boy at the library, and seemed to be falling asleep over his books.

“Yeah,” he replies, and he has a very charming smile. Kibum feels dumb. He can't understand. “Normal sleeping patterns aren’t really my forte.”

“You should try drinking chamomile tea,” Kibum says, and he doesn't know where this mindless talk is coming from, “it helps with sleeping.”

“I’ll try that today,” the boy replies. His lips stretch into a smile, and Kibum recalls the dreams of them kissing. “My name’s Jonghyun.”

Kibum bites back the ‘I know.’

He may be okay with losing control.

 

 

 

 

▶

Kibum is taken to a wide room after being woken up, and finds clothes, food, and a surveillance camera in one of the corners.

“Precaution,” one of the few guards mutters as Kibum glances at it.

The next day he is taken to one of the laboratory rooms to start with a few of the procedures they wanted to do on him. Jonghyun is there, so Kibum endures it the best he can.

They give him an IV, sedate him, and start plugging him to a few machines that surrounded the bed he is lying on.

One of the scientists—Minho, he learns—comes in and explains the steps they will be taking, and asks Kibum to inform them if he feels any type of discomfort. He glances and catches Minho’s wedding ring.

“You’re Jinki’s fiancé,” he mutters, smiling lightly at him.

“That’s personal information I’m not allowed to discuss,” Minho replies, taken aback.

They turn on the machines, and Kibum sees Jonghyun behind the glass, arms crossed, and standing next to a busy Jinki. He lies back, and waits for whatever they are about to do.

He expects to feel electricity, perhaps even a few tingles on his head where the wires are glued—but when he knows the machine is finally on, there’s a pain piercing through his brain. It spreads and feels as if his nervous system is being electrocuted, he can feel the _burn_ under his muscles, inside his brain—and his reaction’s immediate, he rips off the glued wiring and screams, taking out the IVs as well. He turns to throw up, stomach spasming. He pukes twice before the door swings open and someone puts a bucket in front of him.

Kibum breathes, and just then he notices the water on his cheeks. Turns to see the droplets of blood falling from his wrists.

Someone hands him a towel and he wipes his mouth—then looks up to find Jonghyun there.

“What happened?” he asks, concern clear over his face.

Kibum doesn’t reply, simply stares at the boy with unshed tears still clouding his eyes. If Kibum has good memory, which he knows he does, this is probably the first time Jonghyun sees him cry.

“Should we stop for today?” he hears Minho’s voice over the speakers.

So he blinks and lets the tears fall.

 

 

 

 

⟲

Kibum barely sleeps that night. He hears Jonghyun on the balcony, knows he is there. His hands are still shaking, and he feels cold all over. He thinks about it and he is sure he might not be able to sleep, as the memories of the past hours keep flooding his mind.

Jonghyun got shot.

It may not have been deadly, but he did, and the thought makes Kibum shake of fear. His chest hurts. He can't let it happen.

He recalls the dreams from a few years back and remembers seeing the blood, the tears, but what he doesn’t think he can ever forget is the _pain_.

And it had been a dream.

Kibum stands and goes to the balcony. He sees Jonghyun leaning forward, the white bandage covering his shoulder. He looks vulnerable, and Kibum had never wanted hold him more—had never wanted to kiss him and comb his hair with his fingers more, had never felt such an intense need to take care of him before.

But Jonghyun could die if Kibum didn't do something.

He grabs Jonghyun's phone from the bed and locks himself in the bathroom. Searches Jinki’s number. Dials it. Jinki’s voice mail picks up.

"Jinki, I know this is unexpected, but I need your help. It's about Jonghyun."

-

He hears the screams piercing through his door, and as much as he wants to ignore it and go back to sleep, the churning on his stomach and feeling of uneasiness won't go.

Kibum just wants to sleep.

He squeezes his blanket, squeezes his eyes and tries to ignore the feeling but it _won't go_ , and then he hears a slam and he is closer to tears than he thought.

This is recent. Kibum had never heard or seen his parents fight in the past, but a few weeks ago the shouting started and the smiles stopped and he is not sure of what was happening anymore.

He found out of his telekinesis a few years ago, and he's been training hard. He's gotten good, and his parents notice, and he notices. He's been able to do other things as well while he trains, but he doesn't want to say anything. He doesn’t mean to, his mind simply starts working differently. Sometimes he can see a few minutes ahead, sees things that haven’t happened. Sometimes he hears other people in his head. He shouldn’t.

It's dangerous.

He hears another slam and sits up on instinct. He tip-toes to the door and tries to be quiet as he moves towards his parent's room, where the noise is coming from.

"You never wanted this to work, you—"

Silence.

The door opens, and his mother's face peaks out.

She has a purple eye, and Kibum is speechless. She looks restless, sad, and he can _feel_ it all. It crushes him, and he can tell his mother notices the way he is receiving it, feeling her pain as well as her love. They spend seconds staring at each other, but he can sense the connection, where they both understand each other, and know that it hurts.

It hurts.

"Kibum, go back to bed," his mother whispers, "everything is fine."

"Mom."

"Just go," her eyes go cold, and then the anger comes. Not directed at him.

He follows the instruction and walks back into his room, gets back under the bed. He can't really sleep, so he stays awake for a few minutes, until his eyes flutter shut against his own will.

He wakes up a few hours later, sun barely out. There is silence in the house, and he walks out of his room slowly.

He is still sleepy, and with that mood he walks to the bathroom. He brushes his teeth after jumping on the small turtle-like stool his mother got him after he got frustrated over his small height. Even with telekinesis coming in handy, Kibum didn't like using it for mundane things. As his mother put it, he would get used to it, and as much as he loved his gift and his individuality, he didn't want to freak anyone out.

He walks out, and glances at his parents' room. The spacious white walls make it seem far away, like the room was farther than it truly was. He walks to the door and pushes it lightly, walking silently over the red rug, and catches his mom in front of the mirror.

He walks in with no permission, and once he is next to her he is able to take in the huge bruise on her eye.

He stares quietly as his mother drags what looks like white cream and powder over the bruise, attempting to cover up the red and purple across her eyelid.

Kibum feels her pain at once, and a part of him is proud he is a good empath, but another part of him is nauseous, feeling the weight on his chest and clench in his lungs.

His mother acknowledges him, turning as her brush stops next to her eye.

"When bad things happen, we endure it," his mother whispers, kneeling down to his eye level, "no one needs to know."

She lifts a hand and moves it to caress his cheek softly. She smiles at him, looking down before she shows anything else.

When she looks up, it is to press a finger against Kibum’s lips. _Shh_.

"You and I are very alike, Kibum," she mutters as she stands up again, "very alike."

His mother continues to put powder over her eye, as Kibum openly stares at her.

He has many questions but he is not sure he wants answers.

Kibum just wanted to sleep.

-

Jonghyun laughs, looking down, and Kibum can practically _feel_ the way his heart throbs faster on his chest, and his urge to get closer to Jonghyun intensifies.

“I don’t think that sounds right,” Jonghyun continues laughing, as they walk around the park which was close to the deserted campus. The park is pretty empty as well, and the moonlight is the only thing helping the poor street lamps light their path.

“Sounds right to me,” Kibum replies dryly, looking down.

Lately, these feelings have been becoming worse to swallow down, and the dreams more frequent, Jonghyun getting run over, Jonghyun getting shot. The last one, especially vivid, making Kibum shiver and wake up sobbing with an awful ache on his chest.

Jonghyun seems to notice Kibum’s change of mooc, so he asks.

“What?” he says, stopping on his tracks. And he looks beautiful like this, hands inside the pockets of his grey jacket, brown hair tousled by the wind.

“What about what?” Kibum replies, feigning ignorance, and Jonghyun gives him a grin.

“You keep too many things to yourself,” he continues walking, and Kibum follows, hands inside his black coat as well, trying to keep warm with the cold weather. “Sometimes I think you may be keeping evil secrets from me,” Jonghyun says pulling out his hands and wriggling his fingers in front of Kibum.

He simply chuckles, ignoring Jonghyun, “I am a very transparent man,” he says.

“I beg to differ,” Jonghyun chuckles, turning in the corner of the park. “We should head back,” he continues, “did you enjoy the movie?”

“Yeah,” Kibum says, “I did.”

“I’m glad. Jinki watched it last week, so thank you for coming with me,” Jonghyun turns and gives him a soft smile.

Kibum had never felt jealousy, even when Jonghyun and Jinki were together. He knew what Jonghyun wanted—and most importantly, what he _felt_. He only needed to connect with Jonghyun for a moment, truly pay attention to the man to catch the emotion, and feel how different it was from whatever he felt for Jinki.

Jonghyun’s love for Jinki was pure, like brothers. It was love from empathy, innocence.

But his love for Kibum was intense, contained but strong, and it went deeper than Jonghyun himself could comprehend. Kibum loved that feeling on him, he just couldn’t indulge in it.

Kibum simply gives him a small smile back, and they walk back in silence.

 

 

 

 

▶

Kibum is lying on the small room still, resting. He knew these types of ‘tests’ they were trying on him, and how much they would mentally tire him. He was still connected to an IV, and was still sedated, and if he was quite honest he was getting tired of it.

The only reason he hadn’t run off yet was Jonghyun.

There’s a knock on the door which gets him out of his thoughts, and then the door is sliding open, and a slim girl with red hair waltzes in.

“Hello,” she says cheerfully, “came to introduce myself.” The door slides shut, and she extends Kibum her hand. He is tired, but not tired enough to not be able to shake her hand. Yet, he simply stares at her miserably, causing her to laughs.

“It’s okay,” she says with a smile, “I know you like to play hard to get.”

That gets a slight chuckle out of Kibum, and the girl still looks confident, like she exactly knew how to crack him.

“My name is Krystal,” she starts, sitting on bed next to him, “I know your name is Kibum. I know you killed someone, I know you’re in love with your best friend, your parents fought a lot and that’s why you’re cold with the people you love, you always wanted two puppies to name them Comme Des and Garcons, and your favorite color is green,” she stops, grinning at his sudden shock, “and I’m the resident omniscient.”

Kibum sits back a little, he is paying more attention now.

“Isn’t it rude to pry in people’s lives?” he says, tone playful.

“No one has complained before.”

“Maybe not to your face,” he replies, and she laughs.

“I don’t pry,” Krystal starts, “I simply know. It’s all already in my head.”

Kibum stares at her, but somehow she doesn’t seem afflicted at all.

"Omniscience, huh? Must be sad to know everything," Kibum mutters, fiddling with the blankets on the bed.

"You should know," Krystal smirks, "got some yourself. Remember those dreams of Jonghyun?"

Kibum freezes, fingers between the blankets. Suddenly the air feels heavier.

"What did you just say?"

"When you were in high school. You dreamt of Jonghyun, that—"

"No," he interrups, "I rememeber, but, I—" he sees the flashes of red. "I saw him die."

"Well, the future can always be altered. You altered it," Krystal shrugs, absent mindedly. As if it’s so simple. Not complicated.

"What do you mean?" Kibum demands, hands on his lap, paying full attention to Krystal now. "How?"

"If you take a look inside you can see your heart," Krystal mutters, standing up to look at the only mirror in the dim room, "you can see its desires. You know, don't you?" she turns, and catches Kibum’s grimace. "Ah, Kibum,” she continues, “you’re so scared," she laughs, turning to fix her hair on the mirror. "You look inside and you see him. You want him—bad—and I'm not exaggerating. But you gave that up, and you changed the future. Jonghyun might think you are an asshole, but you were protecting him. Giving up your biggest desires changes the course of things."

Kibum stays silent, staring at Krystal. His mind swirls, and now there’s a world of possibilities if he chooses to believe—where he doesn’t end up in this lab forever, keeping Jonghyun trapped with him, where they’re together and Kibum isn’t afraid of losing him.

"So what happens now?” he whispers, “I mean, if I—if I go after it. What happens?"

Krystal smiles at the mirror.

"Only one way to find out."

There's a knock on the door that makes Krystal turn at it, and then glance back at him.

"I should go," she mutters, typing the code everyone but Kibum knew, "destiny is knocking on your door," she snorts, "literally."

The moment the door slides open, Krystal’s red hair gets illuminated with the hallway’s light, and Jonghyun’s face appears. He seems slightly surprised to see Krystral, but simply waves his hand at her, and then walks in. He turns to Kibum, who’s sitting mildly wrecked on bed, and that gets a confused smile on Jonghyun’s face.

“What happened here?”

“I’m not too sure,” Kibum answers, and his heart is suddenly beating again. He feels it on his chest.

He is alive.

Even after all this time, after waking up from his induced death and seeing Jonghyun again, it still felt hopeless. Like a sad love story that would never end. Yet his heart was beating fast.

“You seem shocked,” Jonghyun asks, still looking at Kibum with a hint of—and he feels it so clearly—jealousy.

“We didn’t fall in love or something like that,” Kibum laughs, “rest assured.”

Somehow, that doesn’t seem to calm Jonghyun at all.

“Not funny,” he replies, looking down, and then walks and stands right next to Kibum. “Just wanted to ask if you were feeling better.”

Kibum stares at Jonghyun, face blank.

“Are you?” Jonghyun asks, awkwardly, and he leans back on his heels.

Kibum thinks over all his options. I didn’t betray you, I always loved you, I did care. I made sure you were safe. You’ve been on my mind even before we crossed paths. I love you today like I did years ago.

“Yeah, I’m feeling better” he replies quietly. The words are right on his mouth, but he can’t seem to grow the courage to say them.

“Good,” Jonghyun simply replies, and motions to the door again.

“Jonghyun,” Kibum mutters, and the mentioned boy turns. Kibum thinks he can at least provide an explanation. He wanted to give him an explanation. Because his heart wasn’t beating with _hope_. It was beating with excitement This was a possibility. “Can you sit down? There’s something I need to say.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

your apparition passes through me in the willows and five red hens  
you'll never see us again  
you'll never see us again

part 5. end (jonghyun)

▶

Jonghyun storms into Jinki’s office minutes later, slamming his hands against the desk.

“You helped him lock me up, and you never said anything!” Jonghyun shouts, causing Jinki to flinch.

“What are you talking about?”

“That’s why your aura always changed when I talked about him betraying me, it was guilt! You feel fucking guilty and I can’t believe I never sensed it—“

“Jonghyun, calm down or someone will come in.”

“No—I can’t calm down when you’ve been lying to me for years, why didn’t you tell me?”

“Jonghyun, I was told to keep that secret.”

“I don’t care, aren’t you my best friend?”

“Jonghyun, be _quiet_.”

“No!”

The door swings open as Jonghyun leans closer to Jinki, and a short haired man walks in.

“Everything okay?”

And Jinki replies, “yes, Jongdae, I can handle this,” but at the same time Jonghyun shouts, “no, nothing’s okay!”

The boy, Jongdae, simply stares openly—until Minho walks in as well.

“Something wrong?”

Jonghyun turns to Jinki.

“Please, leave us alone,” Jinki mutters, staring apologetically at Minho, “there’s something we need to discuss.”

Jonghyun senses Minho say something to Jinki, and Jinki gives him a small smile as both men walk out.

“Sit down, queen,” Jinki mutters, taking off his glasses and rubbing his nose, “don’t you want to go back home? You’re disturbing me.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me he did it to help?" _He did it to protect me_ , Jonghyun thinks, but it sounds too romantic and he can't really believe it yet. "All this time I’ve thought—“ Jonghyun stops, keeping the rest to him.

_I thought he was trying to get rid of me._

__“Kibum figured that would be best, and I wanted you to find out from him directly. I’m sorry. That it took this long and that it was behind your back.”

Jonghyun’s hands are fiddling with the papers on the desk, and he feels small. Vulnerable.

“I want to forgive him,” he whispers, leaning back on the chair, eyes now on his fidgeting hands.

“Well, you can. If that is what you want,” Jinki finishes, and after all these years, Jonghyun feels like he has a choice.

-

Jonghyun’s resting on the deserted cafeteria, drinking orange juice from the vending machine, when Kibum walks in, a guard following from behind.

With this lighting, Kibum looks even more tired.

“I was told you caused a scene by one of the nurses.”

“Do they tell you everything?” Jonghyun asks.

“Well, there’s not many people they can talk to. It’s kind of just me,” he says, sitting in front of Jonghyun. “This place is ridiculous. There’s only like 10 people in this building.”

“I think the same,” Jonghyun laughs, finishing his drink. “You don’t look good.”

Kibum looks down at his hands on the table, and then at the guard standing by the cafeteria door.

“It’s what they’re giving me,” he replies, “it tires me.”

“Can’t they stop for a few days though? They should see how it’s affecting you.”

But Kibum simply chuckles, “I don’t think I’m in a position to negotiate.”

They fall into silence again, and Jonghyun feels hopeless all over again.

“So this will be your life? Staying here, being an experiment. Until what, you die?”

“I guess so,” Kibum mutters absent-mindedly.

“How can you just say that?” he asks, anger clenching his stomach. He glares at Kibum, and the latter simply smiles.

“What do you want me to say?” and then Jonghyun can sense the anger rise on him as well, “That I will soon be free and live my life? That I will enjoy the pleasures of this world and have kids and get a job, or something?” Kibum’s eyes get hard, and his eyes look like he is about to cry. Jonghyun sees him swallow it down. “I am stuck here because someone died by my hands. And I guess this will be my life, because I cannot do anything about it.”

“You can at least try being happy here,” Jonghyun mutters, leaning back on his chair. He thinks they look funny, Kibum in a hospital rope, him in his jeans and black shirt. In a huge cafeteria.

“You know you could give yourself the same advice,” Kibum says, “the difference is you can leave.”

“You told me to stay,” Jonghyun says, and the anger rises once again. Kibum always made him feel impossibly used.

“Well, then this is me telling you to leave. Be happy somewhere else.”

Jonghyun freezes. His eyes get teary, but he holds it in, doesn’t let it show even if it kills him that Kibum can tell him so _easily_.

He’s been fighting this feeling of hope that rises every time Kibum’s voice softens when it’s directed at him. That feeling whenever he wants to reach out and brush the younger’s bangs, or the feeling he gets when Kibum’s looks so tired and Jonghyun wants to take care of him.

He could puke, but he knows it’s love. Fuck him, it’s love.

Even after so many years.

“You’re right,” Jonghyun says, ignoring the awful clench of his stomach, “I should leave soon. Meet someone, be happy. All that jazz.”

He finally looks up, and Kibum’s face is inexpressive.

“Yeah,” he mutters. “excuse me. Have a blood test to run to, right, Joonmyun?” he says, looking at the guard standing by the door.

Kibum walks away, IV following. Jonghyun remains at the table, staring at the box of orange juice, empty in his hands.

-

Jonghyun decides to leave a few days later.

He stops to reflect, and comes to the realization that he got the answers he wanted from Kibum, but there was no closure yet. He _knew_ he needed honesty, he owed that to himself.

Kibum had explained he never betrayed him. That he wanted Jonghyun safe and alive and that was the reason he had turned him in.

His words echo on Jonghyun’s head.

_“I just wanted you safe. I’m sorry.”_

__The part of himself that is ready to leave—and bury this in the past—is the one that understands the least he could do before leaving was to be open about his feelings, even if in the end, Kibum only cared about Jonghyun as a friend.

Yet the part of him that didn’t want to leave was the one that looked at Kibum all tired, eyes drowsy from the sedatives and body tired due to the tests they kept running on him. It saddened him to see Kibum in that state, but Jonghyun had been suffering next to him for so long that he wasn’t interested in wasting more time. Even if he loved him.

So he walks to Kibum’s room, knocks, and when he hears a muffled “here” he types in the code, and walks in.

“Morning,” Jonghyun says, and Kibum simply hums back. “Are you okay?”

“Tired,” Kibum replies, eyes barely open. “What?”

Jonghyun smiles at Kibum’s bluntness, and takes a sit next to him on the bed.

“I wanted to talk with you. I made a decision and I feel I owe you this,” Jonghyun starts, waiting for Kibum to say something or inquire. When he simply remains quiet, he continues. “I will be leaving soon. I know I promised I would stay, but just like you told me, I should be happy. I hope you get it.”

“Get what?” Kibum asks, and Jonghyun would like to know if he was feigning ignorance, or genuinely oblivious.

Jonghyun takes a few minutes of silence before continuing.

“I have lived,” he pauses. Takes a deep breath. “Don’t misunderstand. But I have lived so many years waiting for you. I was 18 when I met you and since that day I have been with you and I have cared,” Jonghyun feels his voice quiver at the words clogged in his throat, “and I don’t want to anymore. I am still here, and I was there when you died and when you suffered, and I’m not willing to be there again. Thank you, for being my friend,” he looks up, “but I want to live now. I want a normal life, with a person who loves me, and stays next to me. And I want to smile and laugh,” Jonghyun carries on, eyes watering, “and feel loved.” And then a spark of courage gets inside him, telling him to be honest. If he is leaving, he can be brave.

“I—I loved you,” his voice comes almost as a whisper, and he isn’t looking at Kibum anymore. “I loved you when you killed someone, when you hated me, when you died. And somehow,” Jonghyun’s hands rub his face, wiping the tears and kneading his forehead, “somehow I love you now and I want to be with you. But I understand you want none of this, and that you don’t feel the same way. You told me yourself so many years ago and I—“

Jonghyun is interrupted by a sharp pierce on his forehead. He looks up, teary eyes at Kibum, and Kibum looks apologetic as he enters Jonghyun’s head.

And then he drops the pictures.

It looks like a movie, Jonghyun thinks to himself. A weird movie where he dies on different scenarios and Kibum is there, and then they’re kissing, and Jonghyun is dying again. Then they’re on bed together, and Jonghyun is dying. Jonghyun feels the heat pool on his stomach, feels the need, the want, and then—right on the last clip—he gets shot one last time, and he _feels_ it.

Jonghyun screams, bending over—eyes clenched, trying to get _rid_ of the agonizing pain—and Kibum’s out of his head in a second, hands on Jonghyun’s shoulders.

“It’s okay,” he whispers right against his ear, shushing him, “Jonghyun, you’re okay, that’s a dream.”

And Kibum’s hands are warm, but Jonghyun _died_. He is sobbing, the horrid sensation still burning his skin—but when Jonghyun looks down there’s no blood, and he _is_ fine.

He died in those dreams, but Kibum and Jonghyun were together as well. The ache of the wound subsides, but the sadness remains, and he doesn’t know if it’s his death, or those pictures of Kibum with him.

“What does that mean?” he asks voice hoarse, but Kibum simply stares back, hands still rubbing his shoulders, “What did I see, Kibum?” he demands.

“My dreams,” he replies, eyes watering as well.

Jonghyun feels Kibum open up, and he gets to go into his mind. And he feels it too, the frustration, the lack of energy. The sadness.

“There’s something you need to see,” Kibum whispers, and then gets Jonghyun there.

And Jonghyun remembers the moment Kibum takes him too, getting shot. It’s weird, seeing it from a different perspective. This time he doesn’t feel the bullet, or hears Kibum's voice on his head. This time, he sees the scene from other eyes. He feels fear, and so much _love_ , and he doesn’t understand. He breaks out, and stands up from the bed, distancing himself.

“Why did you feel that?” Jonghyun asks, tears pooling on the brim of his eyes once again, “Why?”

“Jonghyun, I—I’m sorry I was a coward. But I cared about you and I always hoped you’d be safe, because I wanted you safe—”

“Why did you feel that?” Jonghyun starts, raising his voice, as Kibum’s face scrunches, “I know that feeling, why did you feel that?”

Kibum simply quiets down, looking down at his lap.

“Kibum.”

“I feel it too.”

“What?”

Kibum’s face contorts again, and Jonghyun wants to cry out of frustration.

“Is it so hard to tell me? After all these years, after all the shit I put myself through for you.”

 _I love you_ , Jonghyun hears it on his head.

Jonghyun simply turns at Kibum, disappointed.

“Jonghyun,” Kibum looks up. Their eyes lock and Jonghyun’s heart clenches. He feels it. After so many years. “I love you.”

-

Jonghyun has never really been a smoker. In all honesty, he hated cigarretes, and the air around them, but there was a melancholy to damaging himself that he wanted to experience so bad.

As well, smoking in his abandoned school building felt like a scene taken out of a movie.

He feels Jinki behind him right before he speaks.

“You’re not smooth at all,” Jonghyun turns with a soft smile, “thank God you went for medicine.”

“It’s technically not medicine,” Jinki says, and Jonghyun laughs.

“You used to say that all the time.”

The silence wins for a moment, and Jonghyun is taken back to all of his previous memories here. Dating Jinki, falling in love. Meeting Kibum. It felt surreal, to have grown and changed from what he was. To have turned into something different. He takes a drag and turns to Jinki.

It’s nighttime, and the moon is out, illuminating the windowless building and the front garden. It looked beautiful, but it downpoured nostalgia.

“Kibum loves me,” Jonghyun whispers, so low he doubts Jinki heard. He takes another drag, leaning forward in the space where the windows should be, admiring the view.

“So I heard,” Jinki replies, “what do you feel?”

Jonghyun snorts, “Jinki, I’m here. What do you want me to say?”

“Figured,” his friend replies.

Silence wins once again. Jonghyun loves sharing his silences with Jinki.

“I hurt you for him,” Jonghyun says, and he feels Jinki flinch, feels that slight pain that comes out whenever they brought back the past, “and I am so sorry for it.”

“I know.”

“You don’t,” he looks down, “I never apologized properly. I never said anything. But I am so sorry,” he turn to Jinki, dropping the cigarrete and stepping on it, “because I loved you, and yet I did what I did.”

“You love me no matter what,” Jinki smiles softly, “I know that much.”

“Please forgive me,” Jonghyun stares at his eyes, searching for those moments so they could free themselves from them.

Jonghyun knew he had pending receipts with both Jinki and Kibum, and he wanted to feel free.

Their eyes are locked, and Jinki simply takes a step forward. They’re close.

Jonghyun missed this.

“You’re forgiven, Jonghyun. And so am I.”

Jonghyun smiles back. He grabs Jinki and drops his arm over his shoulders, turning them both so they could stare at the moonlight.

The night was peaceful.

 

 

 

 

where's a good place to begin

let's start with the truth

'cause it gets you in the end

**part 6. end (kibum)**

****▶

“You look more and more like a cancer patient every day,” Krystal starts as she walks into one of the huge rooms of the building, except this one had a few windows due to its high level. “Hope that’s not offensive for you or cancer patients.”

Kibum’s standing at the window, serum plugged into his veins, hand against the glass.

He does look like a cancer patient from a movie.

“I’m thinking.”

“You think too much,” Krystal replies, getting a small chair from the room and dragging it next to Kibum to sit down. “What would happen if you started doing instead of thinking?”

Kibum laughs.

“I’d be making out with Jonghyun,” he blurts out, “but don’t tell anyone.”

“Secret’s safe with me,” she raises her hands in a symbol of peace, “not like I don’t know.”

“True.”

“At least now you accept it. Didn’t think I’d hear you say something like that until he left.”

“Well, he may be leaving soon.”

“Want an omniscient opinion?” Krystal asks, looking up at Kibum.

He nods.

“That boy is not leaving until you give him a red light. If you keep showing yellow he will stay, like yesterday.”

Kibum falls into his thoughts once again, turning to the red haired girl.

“What if I want to give him a green light?”

“Well, what are you waiting for?” she asks, “I know what happens, but I don’t know why people do it. I know what you feel, but not why you keep chaining it.”

Kibum sighs, and drops his head against the glass.

“I’m locked here. I will be, for God knows how many forsaken years, and Jonghyun does not deserve this, he never has.”

“He doesn’t,” she agrees, “and yet he’s been with you through it all. 5 years and counting,” she laughs, “maybe it’s time you stop putting the world against you both.”

Kibum stays quiet. And Krystal is fucking right.

“I hate you,” he mutters, turning his face to her. “I truly do.”

“Thank you,” she starts, and then drops the smile for a serious face, “and since you shared something personal I will too.” She steps forward, leaning into Kibums’s ear. “My real name, it’s Soojung.”

“I like it,” Kibum smiles.

“Thanks, I do too. But I am Krystal.”

Kibum chuckles.

"I get it."

-

Jonghyun seems to disappear for a few days, but Kibum is very aware he has not left the building. The nurses tell him they’ve seen him around as well, and that cheers him up even after more blood tests.

For the first time in a while, Kibum feels hope. There is hope that this can happen. That he can be happy. He’s been struggling with his feelings for so long that being given this chance to actually indulge in them, and actually let himself feel them is making him feel crazy. Right after he told Jonghyun he loved him, the latter had told him he needed time to think, and proceeded to escape, _literally_. Jonghyun walked out as fast as he could.

And Kibum could fool himself, and say he didn’t care about the outcome of this, that he didn’t mind if Jonghyun stayed or left, but that would be a lie. The realization that things could not come out as wrong as he has thought for the past years gives him peace.

And now he just wants Jonghyun to stay.

He spends the day in his room, resting and falling asleep frequently. The drugs they were giving him kept him sedated enough to fall asleep, but he knew that whenever he wanted to get his energy back, he could. More than the drugs, he was keeping himself sedated.

Kibum’s lying down when the door opens and Jinki walks in, professional look on his face and a bit of nerves crawling off him.

Kibum knows this isn’t the man that Jonghyun fell in love with all those years ago. The years gave Jinki wisdom, thicker skin, and a gentle heart not afraid to be broken. He knows he wouldn’t have gotten this far with Minho if it weren’t that way.

“Hi,” Jinki says, for a lack of having something to say.

Kibum simply chuckles, replying with a weak ‘hi’.

“How are you?”

“Trying not to die with all the drugs your boyfriend is giving me,” Kibum laughs amusedly, “or well—your fiancé.”

Jinki smiles lightly.

“Sorry,” Jinki says, and Kibum knows he genuinely is.

What he knows from Jinki is that he now loved Jonghyun in a way you loved a brother, even after everything. Jinki knows what it meant for Kibum to be here, and what it created on Jonghyun. He wonders if Jinki would rather he had stayed dead. If Jonghyun would rather he were still dead as well.

“Your head is loud,” Jinki starts, “I know those medicines are doing shit to you. Don’t pretend around me.”

Kibum laughs, wondering if he had heard Jinki curse in the past. He sits straighter, body pulling energy back.

“And what do I owe the pleasure?” Kibum asks, tone going serious.

“May I?” he motions towards the bed, and Kibum simply nods. Jinki sits next. “There’s two things I need to ask.”

Kibum stares at him, and Jinki’s eyes are gentle and full of honesty. Kibum has an idea of what he can expect.

“Go ahead.”

“Well,” Jinki chuckles, “for starters, how did you do it?”

Kibum frowns at Jinki.

“How did you die?” Jinki asks, and then shakes his head, “God, does it sound stupid.”

“It does,” Kibum laughs, “but it happened. Jinki, I’ve been a telekinetic since I was six. I’ve got a lot of cards under my sleeve.”

“So you did it?”

“Yes and no,” Kibum replies with a small smile, “my brain has more control over my body than I wish It had.”

“Alright,” Jinki says, adjusting his glasses and turning fully to Kibum. “The other thing... well. I want to make an arrangement with you.”

“An arrangement?”

Jinki looks at him, and if Kibum remembers correctly, Jinki only started wearing glasses recently. He woders what that’s about.

Jinki looks at his watch, stares at it for a few seconds.

“Okay, so. The cameras are off, I have two minutes. I need you to listen carefully,” Jinki starts, turning his body completely to Kibum.

Kibum gets his energy back, focuses.

-

Jonghyun comes over the next day, and Kibum is a man on a mission from the moment he walks in.

“Hi,” Kibum says before the door closes, and Jonghyun seems surprised to see Kibum does not have an IV on his wrist, and that he is sitting cross-legged in the middle of the bed.

“What happened?” Jonghyun asks, oblivious to everything. Kibum hated leaving him there again, but he was willing to do whatever it took for him to be happy. For them to be happy.

“Nothing,” he says, but feels the butterflies as Jonghyun steps close to the bed. “Can you sit down?” he says, patting the side of the bed. Jonghyun does just so and then stares oddly at Kibum.

“You feel weird,” he mutters, keeping his distance from the bed.

“I feel good,” he laughs, “maybe that’s it.”

“Could be,” Jonghyun smiles, a confused one.

Kibum laughs shyly, and looks down at his hands. He doesn’t know what is happening to him, he feels his stomach churning with nerves, and this feeling of getting what he wants—of feeling good, was truly foreign to him that Jonghyun had never seen it in him. He thinks he has probably felt this way before, and perhaps the moments had been fleeting, so much that Jonghyun never noticed. Where Kibum would immediately hide it again, ignore the thump of his heart, the stickiness of his hands when he got nervous around Jonghyun, the want when he saw him.

“I have something I want to give you,” Kibum says, and the words sound so small in the dark room.

“What is it?” Jonghyun asks, and Kibum can hear his walls are still up, and he probably still thinks Kibum will leave. But Kibum isn’t going anywhere without him.

“You need to close your eyes.”

Jonghyun hesitates, shoots Kibum a wary glance, but then obeys and closes them. Kibum takes a moment to look at Jonghyun’s face from up close, basking in the power he had now. He stares at his finely trimmed eyebrows, his round nose, his eyelashes. His eyes fall on Jonghyun’s lips, and Kibum takes a deep breath to calm himself.

From his position, he leans forward by leaning on his hands, and takes another deep breath before moving closer to Jonghyun’s face. He aligns his face, and closes his eyes when Jonghyun’s face is centimeters away. He kisses him—wet lips touching Jonghyun’s chapped ones. Kibum feels like _crying_ , he is nervous but allows himself to kiss Jonghyun, feel him. He kisses him again, sucking on Jonghyun’s top lip, and then hemoves back. He opens his eyes and Jonghyun looks frozen in place, mouth slightly open.

When he opens his eyes, they’re glassy, and he looks confused and sad. Kibum understands.

“What was that?” Jonghyun asks, and he sounds ready to burst into tears. Now Kibum doesn’t understand.

“I… am willing to be with you,” Kibum pauses, phrasing each word with an intention, leaning forward with his eyes locked to Jonghyun’s. “If you want to be with me, of course.”

Jonghyun looks away, and he seems frozen in place, his hands still on his laps and he’s thinking. Kibum’s not sure of what, since his head is so focused on other things, on dreams he used to have of Jonghyun, on the feel of Jonghyun’s lips, instead of trying to sense or hear what Jonghyun was thinking. Now that they kissed, he wanted to do it again. He wanted to give in.

“I’m sorry, I—“ Jonghyun starts and Kibum panics for a second, “I don’t want to stay here forever. I love you but I’m done waiting and watching you—“

“Jonghyun,” Kibum starts, and his hands land on Jonghyun’s jaw. He kisses him again, and Jonghyun lets him, and Kibum’s sure he would let him do so much more. Kibum takes his time to satisfy the need inside him, he feels Jonghyun’s lips, turns his head and tightens his hold on Jonghyun’s face to go deeper. And Jonghyun follows, and the way he moves his lips makes him feel the most calm he’s felt in years, yet a desperation pours out, and Kibum demands more, and their bodies move closer. Kibum breaks the kiss, face still close to Jonghyun’s. “Do you trust me?” he whispers.

Jonghyun’s eyes are locked on his, and he feels vulnerable. He nods lightly, and Kibum breaks into a strong smile.

He kisses him again, just a peck, and then Jonghyun smiles lightly.

“Just trust me,” Kibum starts, “trust me it won’t be like the last time. But I don’t have to stay here forever.”

Jonghyun seems to get an idea of what Kibum is implying, and he gets a dark look on his face.

“Kibum—“ he starts, but Kibum doesn’t let him continue.

“I know what you’re thinking but it’s not that. Well, kind of—“

“Kibum, no. No,” Jonghyun says, and its firm, and Kibum knows he loves him. Because he looks regretful and sad. Kibum knows Jonghyun loves him, but that he loves himself more.

“You said you trusted me,” he replies, calmly, “and I know you trust Jinki. Trust us,” Kibum smiles.

“Jinki?” Jonghyun asks, and Kibum kisses him again, this time runs his tongue over his bottom lip, let’s the kiss get heated again as Jonghyun whimpers against his mouth and Kibum leaves a hand on Jonghyun’s neck and the other one roam around his chest and stomach.

Kibum catches the numbers of the door being pressed, and then Jinki walks in.

“God—“ Jinki breaks in, “stop, please.”

Jonghyun simply laughs, and Kibum follows him, looking down shyly.

“What are you doing here?” Jonghyun asks.

“Helping you both. Well, Kibum more than you.”

Jonghyun looks at them both, waiting for an explanation.

“We can’t say much but we need to go,” Jinki starts, “Kibum will explain on the way.”

Jonghyun looks conflicted for a moment, but Jinki shoots him a reassuring smile. And Jinki doesn’t need to say anything to calm him, as he notices Jonghyun’s stress dissipate.

Kibum wants to be able to make Jonghyun relax in the future, and he knows he will have the time. There’s time.

“Shall we?” Kibum asks, moving from his position and uncrossing his legs. He slips his sneakers on, stands up and gets his bag, with a few clothes and basic toiletries. A toothbrush, money.

He turns back and sees Jonghyun still sitting down, hesitant.

“Trust me,” Kibum says, and steps forward to caress Jonghyun’s face.

Jonghyun simply stares back, and whatever he is feeling shifts. He stands up as well, a step away from Kibum. They stare at each other for a moment, and he feels Jonghyun’s hand lacing with his.

“Shall we?” he whispers, and then smiles.

 

 

 

 

i see the signal searchlight strike me in the window of my room  
well, I got nothing to prove  
well, I got nothing to prove

**part 7. end (Jinki)**

****▶

The drive to Chungcheong from Seoul is not that long, and Jinki knows this from the back of his mind—if he remembers his geography lessons from high school correctly. If Jonghyun and Kibum are quick, it will take them less than a day to get there, perhaps even hours.

He recalls Jonghyun’s face while Jinki gave Kibum the keys of the car, and then a handshake. He couldn’t believe it.

“Jinki, if Minho finds out—“ Jonghyun had said, until Jinki interrupted him.

“I know,” he had replied. He knew.

It was that fear that ate Jinki alive as he drives back to their apartment.

He knows Minho must be aware that Kibum was gone, and that Jonghyun had left with him. It was impossible to blame Jinki for anything, he had made sure that no cameras left a trace of him helping or even talking with Kibum. But Jinki knew it would take Minho one look at him to _know_ , and Jinki wouldn’t hide anything from him.

Kibum was so good at controlling his abilities that Jinki envied him a little, and had made sure to make it look like Kibum had arranged this smoothly by himself. As Kibum said, “they already think I’m a murderer, this is no big deal.”

He laughs at the memory as he parks in their garage, their garage door closing behind him. He catches a glimpse of Minho’s black Audi and the smile drops off his face.

As he enters the house and feels the silence, the fear grows, and he fidgets with the engagement ring on his finger.

He arrives at their bedroom, and Minho is lying down, a book on his lap. He turns at the sound of the door, and shoots Jinki a light smile.

Jinki sits on the bed next to him, and kisses his cheek as Minho continues reading. He stays there, resting on Minho’s shoulder.

“You know, don’t you?” Jinki asks in a low voice.

 _Yes, I do_ , he hears loud and clear in his head.

Jinki doesn’t say anything else, and then the fear dissipates. He goes to the bathroom—brushes his teeth, changes into his pajamas. He crawls back to bed and under the covers, and Minho closes his book as he is doing so to get under with him as well.

Minho back-hugs Jinki, and gives him a gentle kiss on the neck.

 _I know no one will think you helped them, but I know you did,_ Minho lets Jinki know. Jinki simply remains quiet. _And I don’t know if I can forgive you for it_ , Minho finishes, and Jinki’s heart breaks. He tightens his hold over Minho’s arms and tries not to cry. He fails.

Minho shushes him as he does so, and kisses the back of his ear as Jinki lets the guilt pour out.

“We can postpone the wedding,” Jinki says, through low sobs, “but don’t leave me.”

“I just need time,” Minho replies almost immediately.

That was enough to have him calm down. Things we’re going to be fine.

His sobs die down, and he moves back to be closer to Minho, bodies glued under the sheets. He cuddles back against Minho’s chest.

And that’s how Jinki falls asleep, calm after the angst, and with Minho’s warmness covering his back.

 

 

 

 

**part 7. epilogue**

****The fairy lights decorating the small garden give the entire place a yellow glow. The walls—which are covered by green creepers—only make the room look classier, and the furniture covered in white cloths help filling the room with more light.

And in the middle of the tables, the pink centerpieces fitted perfectly with the ambiance.

Above the glass ceiling the dark sky accompanied them, with a few distant stars that were visible only after paying close attention.

Jonghyun watches from behind, sitting from one of the tables as his best friend and Minho have their first dance. The song is slow, a mellow Korean voice comes from the speakers, and talks about eternity, destiny, and Jonghyun can only smile from his seat.

Jinki and Minho are laughing about something while the song keeps playing, when a pair of hands land on his shoulders. The person slides their hands, crossing them over his chest, and rests their chin on Jonghyun’s shoulder.

“I like the song.”

Jonghyun laughs, covering the arms of the other man with his own.

“Me too. But slow songs are overrated,” Jonghyun starts, and the man muffles his laughter against Jonghyun’s neck, “we could have something like San E on our first dance.”

“Is this a proposal?”

“Nah, just sharing some thoughts,” Jonghyun turns, and his lips land on the man’s temple.

Jonghyun turns back as the song ends in soft piano notes, and then the arms around him are gone to clap for the couple. Minho holds Jinki’s face and gives him a gentle kiss.

“Sweet,” he hears the man drop with a bit of irony, and Jonghyun looks up at him with a smile.

His hair had grown shorter, and it was currently blonde since yellow meant new beginnings, or at least that was what he said. Jonghyun’s hair had transformed as well, from a jet black to an ashy brown, which he happened to like very much.

They looked good.

“I think we’ll be cuter in our wedding,” Jonghyun says, and the man turns to him, with a wry smile.

“Stop teasing me if you’re not proposing.”

Jonghyun simply laughs, looking back at the dance floor and catching Jinki and Minho walking to their own table. The music switches to a different beat, and then there’s people getting inside the dance floor.

Jonghyun grabs his boyfriend’s hand, motions for them to walk over to Jinki, and once they arrive, Jinki’s smile explodes and he is immediately on his feet.

“You made it!” he screeches, giving Jonghyun a big hug, as Minho raises from his chair as well.

Jinki moves to hug the other man as well, and then Minho is shaking Jonghyun’s hand with a smile.

“I am happy you’re here,” Minho starts, “Jinki made sure everything was set so you guys could be here.”

“Yeah, I don’t see the feds,” his boyfriend says, and Jonghyun bursts laughing, the upbeat music covering his noise.

Then dinner time comes, and it’s just Jonghyun and him on a table in the corner of the room.

“I am thinking we should go to Busan,” he smiles, holding Jonghyun’s hand on the table, “visit the family.”

“You are really going crazy now, aren’t you?” replies Jonghyun.

“Well, I just kind of like this now. I have a very attractive boyfriend whom I love very much,” he starts, and plants a kiss on Jonghyun’s hand, “I have a nice house in Chungcheong, I have 3 cute puppies. I don’t think life gets better than this.”

“Kibum,” Jonghyun interrupts, and a spell seems to break. “Marry me, someday?”

And Kibum freezes over the question, hand stilling over Jonghyun’s. His expression drops, and it’s replaced by a soft smile.

“Of course.”

Jonghyun’s heart beats faster. He is alive.

 

 


End file.
